Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Year



Fat Guy Jumps Into a Lake.....

Creed Shreds - The highlight of Creed Shreds is seeing it on 'Film Drunk' and seeing that the video won the 'Best Viral Video No One Sent Me' award on FD. I saw Creed this summer and it was awesome slash horrible and so the Creed Shreds video has provided hours upon hours of endless laughter that has ended in internal bleeding numerous times.

Awesome Video I Just Saw For the First Time Ever...

Scott Niedermayer Stick Fight

Bas Rutten Bar Defense Video

The Best of Both Worlds: Christian Bale vs. David

J*zz in My Pants

And just because it was one of the most highly viewed videos of the year/all-time

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I Wish It Was Christmas Today

Christmas is awesome. It's the time of our Lord Savior Jesus Christ and the time you get to yell "Merry Christmas!" to all other pointless religions.

Also, you get music gems that make you feel happy and make the Christmas spirit even more ass-whooping.

A bunch of years ago, when Jimmy Fallon looked like a homeless guy, he recorded a song on SNL with a real homeless guy, Horatio Sanz. Sanz and Fallon shared the same office and one day Sanz started screwing around with the tiny guitar on his desk. Fallon, liking what he heard, started playing the keyboard and singing along and poof, "I Wish It Was Christmas Today" was born.

Lorne Michaels liked it so much, he made them do a skit about it.

Flashforward to today...

Jimmy Fallon hosts Late Night and Horatio Sanz is still homeless. However, the Christmas spirit overpowers all and reunites the love that lives inside all of us during the holidays.

So Jimmy Fallon grabbed his favorite homeless friend and with the help of Julian Casablancas and the endlessly cool "Roots", made people shout, "I Wish It Was Christmas Today"!

Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas only.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Run From the Baltimore Cops

Ray Lewis is a monster. He literally has ate NFL players for his entire career. His passion for the game of football is unrivaled and his intelligence on the football field will most likely lead to a career on the coaching sidelines once he retires from playing.

In his spare time, he trains police officers to chase down criminals and homeless people to stay in shape. It's one of the many things Lewis does off the field that have rebuilt his reputation since the infamous Atlanta nightclub incident 9 years ago that led to Lewis being charged with murder. Lewis was eventually acquitted of the charges and evidence shakily pointed to no major wrong-doing from Lewis.

Lewis got back on the football field, began playing even more inspired than ever, and started killing (not literally) people better than ever on the football field.

Now Lewis uses some of his time to train Baltimore Police Officers how to chase down drug addicts and tackle killers like they do in 'The Wire'. Lewis has inspired a "it's never over til it's over" feeling among his trainees and an insane mentality that allows his disciples to scare the living shite out of criminals when they realize Ray Lewis Jr. is running after them.

Personally, Ray Lewis as a Baltimore Police Officer would be the only show on the face of this earth that would be more entertaining than Steven Seagal's 'Lawman'. Can we make this happen?

Like him or not, this video is a cool story. Suck ass Baltimore criminals.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Marian Hossa Goal

Hockey. Marian Hossa. Sick Goal. Enough said.

Marian Hossa goal against Tampa Bay 12/13

WTF


Below is my what the f** moment of the last month that made me laugh histerically and cry...

I've seen the trailer for Daybreakers before and I don't remember it. It's about vampires I know that. Apparently vampires drink blood coffee and apparently blood coffee only has 5% blood in it. When Vampire A asks for more blood in his coffee and Vampire Barista says she can't do that, a blood party breaks out. I remember this one time I was in England and I went to a club to experience a foam party and instead a blood party broke out. It was awesome. Then Blade came into the room and shot everybody in the f*cking heart with a garlic bullet.

PS I pray every night to God that Blade makes an appearance in Twighlight Eclipse.

I WANT MORE BLOOD IN MY COFFEE B*TCH

Friday, December 11, 2009

30 Seconds to Mars


30 Seconds to Mars is performing in Chicago on Wednesday, December 16th at the House of Blues as part of Q101's Twisted XMas. Last night they performed on "The Tonight Show" with CONAN.

The sound was phenomenal and their new record "This Is War" is epically kick-ass.

Here's a link to YouTube with their performance of "Kings and Queens". Rock your face off.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Jersey Shore


If you haven't heard of it, you are retarded. Or living where Osama bin Laden is living. Jersey Shore is a controversial new show on MTV that is like The Real World, only with guido's and guidette's. I didn't invent that word. The dumb shitheads on that show did.

Basically, it's a BUNCH of f*cking douchebags that our world would be better off without. Nuke. Filled with pee...right into "the Jersey Shore" where these kids are living. No one would miss em.

Since we can't do that and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't taught me how to make a nuke yet, I watched an episode today. And I was transfixed. Partly because I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen because I felt like I'd never see a group of more retarded people in my life. I was afraid if I stopped watching I'd get smarter and miss something that these dumb fckers did. It was the dumbest 20 minutes of my life / the funniest. I cannot express in proper words, how fcking retarded these people are and how much this show sucks ass / is really awesome.

If you haven't seen an episode, watch them at www.mtv.com or on Thursday nights. Tonight's episode is supposedly the big controversy because it shows one of the girls on the show getting punched in the face. And when I say punched, I mean fkcing labeled hardcore across her stupid fat mouth and face. That said, I don't condone violence against women. Except maybe Nancy Pelosi.

Also, get your super creative Jersey Shore nickname courtesy of Unlikely Words. Mine was Juice Box. There's only like 12 so don't do it too much if you don't like your first one.

As those idiots say in the show, 'Fist Pump' baby.

That's Jersey Shore for ya. Our world is forever fcked now.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Victoria's Secret

I kept reading today that Michael Bay directed a brand-new Victoria's Secret commercial. I thought the commercial happened to just have many Michael Bay-like special effects in it and it wasn't REALLY directed by Michael Bay.

But I was wrong. He directed a Victoria's Secret commercial.

And it's f*cking awesome. Because its Michael Bay. Hate on MBay all you want but the man made the greatest movie of all time when he made Bad Boys with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. That movie is the all-time gangsta pusha of sickness.

Seriously, what's better than Michael Bay and Victoria's Secret models? Nothing, that's what.

Monday, December 7, 2009

News Tidbit

Upon driving into work this morning I was greeted with 3 news stories over the radio. They were seemingly serious stories and the news anchor was quite efficient while he was reading them. Very news-like tones with no room for humor or entertainment. I was in a super serious mode listening intently to the stories until story number 3 was read. See below for the subject of the news stories:

1) Tiger Woods and all of his issues (issues that are continually growing)

2) A story about Barack Obama and the troop increase in Afghanistan

3) A story about cops having to be sent to a suburban Illinois Wal-Mart...because a man stuffed a frozen pizza down his pants.

I love America. Random boring drive turns fun, all because a man tried to stuff a frozen pizza down his pants. Smart.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Golden Stumbles

Firefox has an incredibly neat tool called "Stumble". Simply click "stumble" after downloading it to your internet browser toolbar and Stumble will take you to a site that it thinks you'd like, based off of your previous browsing history. If you look at photography a lot, it'll take you to websites with incredible pictures. If you like sports, it will direct you to sports related websites. If you look at child pornography it will take you to the FBI's website. See? Simple. And cool.

On Fridays, I'm going to post a few links to my favorite stumble sites of the day. I'm quite ecclectic in my tastes so I'm thrown all around the internet in all kinds of fun worlds. Hopefully upon my stumbles, you will trip and enjoy as well.

Proof That Girls Are Evil

911 Calls (mainly Math 911 Call & 911 Operator makes bad joke)

Scott Stulberg Photography

National Geographic Photo Contest

Brooklyn's Finest

Movie Trailer for a movie starring...Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke, Don Cheadle, and......WESLEY SNIPES!!

Can't figure this one out. Looks like "Training Day 2", hell, Ethan Hawke is IN IT! Three good actors, a decently well-known director, and Wesley Snipes!! If you believe Eddie Murphy, Wesley Snipes is even a great actor. Still, can't figure out whether I want to see it or not.

Game

LAST TIME.

Fun Tiger game to play. Outrun his wife or she beats you to death with a golf club.

You know, no one is talking about the irony of the golf club. It could have been a bat. It could have been a nunchuk, but it was a golf club. Do you think there are just THOUSANDS of golf clubs lying around Tiger's house and when his wife got really pissed she simply had to stick her hand three inches to her right to grab one of the clubs from one of the 76 bags lying around the house?

I just find it ironic I guess. But then I'm an idiot so who cares.

Stupid

REALLY REALLY REALLY dumb remix of the Tiger voicemail. It's everywhere so I put it here too because I'm a follower and not a leader and I do everything that other stupid people do because I'm stupid and I can't stop myself because my brain doesn't work. I can't even remember to put period at the end of this sentence

Let me just clarify that this remix of random spoken human words is nothing compared to:

1) Bill O'Reilly F*ck It We'll Do It Live Remix

2) Christian Bale Movie Set Rant Remix

And for fun sake more making fun of Tiger even though it was a joke at the time but is now reality since he really is a pig-headed moron.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

OOPS dude


I was hoping I wouldn't have to write about Tiger Woods because everyone in the world has already done that and I don't judge anyone. Ever. I have no opinions about anything other than myself. I care what God thinks about me and thus I don't judge.

But, Tiger, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING?!

You cheated on your wife with a chick named Jaimee Grubbs?

First off, that woman is not attractive. She is a waitress who was on "Tool Academy". Have you ever seen that show? Do you know what that means? It means she got multiple tools in her as well as hung out with a bunch of f*cking losers who will somehow end up on Real World/Road Rules sometime soon.

Tiger, your wife is SO ATTRACTIVE. She is a Swedish supermodel. And you have a kid with her. And she is beautiful. And Swedish. And you decided to cheat on her with this huge slut.

ARE YOU F*CKING MAD DUDE!?!?!?! Tiger Woods, arguably the most recognized sports figure on the face of this earth currently, cheated on his wife with a cocktail waitress. For 31 months according to her fat face...

I have so many thoughts on this but I can't wrap my sand wedge around any of them.

First, Jaimee Grubbs is a big whore for sleeping with a married man. It's not her fault Tiger wanted to cheat but she should have used her moral values that apparently God forgot to give her and said "No Tiger, you dirty freak. You are married." I mean, if Gwen Stefani came to me and said, "I want to cheat on Gavin Rossdale with you", I would say no. Seriously. Probably. Maybe.

Second, Tiger, your face is more popular and recognized than Pope Crazy German. You are the most successful and dominating athlete of our time, you are well-spoken, you make a trillion dollars a year, and you happen to be TIGER F*CKING WOODS. Did you REALLY think that you cheating on your super-hot wife would NOT get discovered? Even if you were cheating on her with Mother Theresa, it would someday come out. The media preys on stupid shit like this and eat you alive if they discover you have Jude Law-like tendencies. Well, congrats you idiot shit. Mission Accomplished.

Third, you LEFT VOICEMAILS!?!? Really? What made you think this slut from "Tool Academy" wasn't going to save them and then come forward one day when she wanted to advance her celebrity to Joe Rogan status? Plus, on your voicemails you sound like a boy going through puberty. Maybe it was because you were all nervous your crazy-hot wife was going to call one of your random girlfriends and threaten to kill her. Good thing you said to Jaimee "You gotta do this for me. Huge, like now." And good thing you identified yourself on the voicemail you moron. Good criminal you would not make.

Fourth, all the women you may have slept with are now going to come out of the woodwork and eat you alive. I'm putting the over/under at 14. 14 chicks you managed to have sexual relationships with over the last few years. I bet NONE of them were as attractive as YOUR WIFE. You shithead. This is going to get worse before it gets better.

This whole thing began as comical craziness and is now developing into pure grossness. You've cheated on your wife, drove your car into a tree, really f*cked up your reputation, and probably pissed off your father, Earl, in the sky. Earl wouldn't have even allowed you to talk to girls if he were still around. You would be practicing golf 21 hours a day and you wouldn't have had time to go screw this one up. But you did. And if Earl were still around, he'd have you chained to a fence practicing golf in sub-zero temperatures as punishimnet for this one.

What started as a tabloid story & car crash, which by the way was hilarious considering the rescue smashing of your back window with a golf club made no sense, has turned into a feeding frenzy and you put yourself at the center of it Tiger. For someone we all thought was so smart and clean and talented, your brain really malfunctioned on this. Your wife had every right to try and smash your face in with your golf club. She must be pretty crazy when she's mad if it caused you to drive like a drunken sailor into a tree and destroy half of your car. Way to go champ.

Your dirty text messages are being exposed and you deserve it for being this stupid. Good thing you made Elin sign a pre-nup since she should leave your ass and take half. Plus, you've made Shaq look stupid for defending you when in fact he should have sumo sat on your face and taken a dump.

I still like you Tiger which is hard to fathom but no one can ever look at you the same. You've screwed up a good thing and I think the only way to make it fair is to let Elin get back at you and cheat with me.

Good luck with the rest of this one Eldrick Woods.

PS - Eldrick is a very stupid-ass name too. Good thing you became someone and then tried to screw it all up.

Lawman


In case your life sucks, don't do anything but watch A&E tonight at 10p/9c. That's when "Lawman" premieres on A&E starring STEVEN SEAGAL. Yes, STEVEN F'ing SEAGAL.

He's a deputy sheriff in some town that no one cares about except for the fact that STEVEN SEAGAL WORKS THERE!!!! Now he's turning his side job/probably current career into a reality TV show and it's going to be awesome. Even if he punches no one. Just seeing Steven Seagal living is more glorious than watching children learn to walk.

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT LAWMAN and what it's like to ove life here.

Endless Fun

I was going through deleting links in my bookmark menu because I have too many and visit too many random sites everyday to possibly keep my life organized and I stumbled upon the website below. Play the videos/music at any time, in any order, in any way...It will be beautiful music to your ears. Enjoy it.

InBFlat.net

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Holy Tuesday

There was a gospel choir performing in the lobby of my work today for a special Thanksgiving charity drive. Actually, like 4 different gospel choirs. The first group was a group of little kids playing the violin and they were f#cking terrible. An older group followed that up and melted faces and then a younger group came on and rocked the stage too. That put me in a good mood. I proceeded to go listen to Sister Act music and Kirk Franklin and God's Property.

*It also made me say, holy crap, how'd I forget this video of Paula Deen getting nailed in the face with a frozen ham yesterday!?!? Random food drive, people passing hams, and some guy f#cking chucked a frozen ham across the room and it nailed her in the face. Everybody instantly got super pissed at said person and Paula walked out of the room, hands to face, shocked that some jerk got giddy and threw a ham.

*Some of the good crap I found today should make me suggest you go to With Leather for everything and stop reading my dumb stuff here but I'll also give you the option to click below and see it here.

"House" is, from what I hear, a good show on Fox and Hugh Laurie is sorta cool. That said, I've never watched it. But I've seen enough previews to know that Omar Epps looks just like Mike Tomlin and it needs to be acknowledged in some way. They look identical. Everyone says it. Tomlin probably played Epps in "Love & Basketball" and Epps probably coached the Steelers to a Super Bowl Victory...they are the same person. But never admit it...

"House", show that I'll never ever see, finally agreed. Take a look.

*Another gem from WL, this one is creepy. Parents dream for their kids to be good at sports or music or whatever. Whoever is parenting this kid is clearly shoving steroids into his butt and giving him HGH. This kid, named Nyrel Sevilla (I know wtf?), is 6-years old and destroys people left and right. Other kids aren't even MOVING on the field and he's running full speed to kill. Getting into the discussion about should 6-year olds even be playing full-contact football is another question for another day. Watch the video.

*Lil Wayne makes good music. But he's in jail. And although this isn't his music, it involves him and a nice up and coming band that's very critically acclaimed. All it takes is someone to remix the two and turn it into a song. In this case, we get "Fireman on the Ground" from MOKB.

*Lastly, before I forget, supposedly someone punched Jimmy Clausen in the face over the weekend after his team of losers lost to UConn. Apparently Clausen was leaving a restaurant when someone sucker-punched him in the face. I imagine they told him he sucks, his coach has a FUPA, and he looks like an ostrich, but in reality it was probably something else at play here. Something else like God disguising himself as a human and punching Clausen's face to punish Notre Dame for letting Barack Obama speak at Notre for their spring graduation ceremony. It was one of God's big FU's. I imagine God punched Clausen then stood over his body and looked at Clausen's female friend and gave her the big ole Degeneration X 'Suck It' sign.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Ed Freeman's Story


I received a random e-mail today that instantly screamed "junk mail". It was a forwarded e-mail like the kind you get all the time. Most you read, most you delete. Some people believe that they'll find true love if they forward said e-mail to 5 friends, some believe they'll be cursed forever if they don't. I don't.

Usually I read them. Then I delete them.

Today, I followed the same protocol of reading it, pre-programmed to delete at the end. Instead, I did something strange. I re-read it. Then I went to google, then I went to wikipedia, then I came here.

Here's the gist of the story, in all its forwarded e-mail slang glory:

"It's November 14, 1965. Your 19 years old. Your American battalion has come under intense enemy fire in the la Drang Valley in Vietnam. The firefight is so incredibly overbearing that HQ has ordered all medical and rescue choppers to avoid Landing Zone X-Ray. Too many more casualties would happen. No one is coming for you. You've given up hope. You are surrounded by an overpowering enemy. Your fellow soldiers are dead and too wounded to fight. You come to grips with the fact your family is 12,000 miles away, around the world, and you will never see them again. These will be your last moments on earth...

All of a sudden, you hear a sound overhead and see an unmarked Huey flying in. No armor, no weapons, just a helicopter. Is this death? Is this death coming to take you away? No its Ed Freeman. Its United States Army helicopter pilot Ed Freeman, the very man who dropped you off, coming back to save you. His helo is unarmed and not fit for battle but he lands his chopper in between you and the bullets. You get loaded up and fly out of the gun fight realizing that he just saved your life. Ed Freeman returns you to base and heads back to X-Ray to pick up more of the wounded. He does it again and again. In fact, he'd do it a total of 13 more times."

That's the basic story surrounding Ed "Too Tall" Freeman. An Army helo pilot, when Ed heard that his fellow soldiers were surrounded by closing-in enemy, Freeman volunteered to fly into the unlandable zone and bring his boys out. He did it 14 times, saving roughly 30 mens' lives in the process.

The end of the email talks about how this story has rarely been heard before. It also talks about Ed Freeman's recent passing at the age of 80.

Look, Freeman died August 20th, 2008. I received this email November 23rd, 2009, saying "Freeman passed away a few days ago". It's a typical forwarded e-mail but then again its not. Who cares when Freeman died? 5 days ago, 5 months ago, 5 years ago...It's an incredible story that always should be told.

I never heard about Freeman dying in August 2008 because I was ignorant. I heard about Michael Jackson dying but that's because he was treated like Jesus. Ed Freeman? He was just another guy.

Just another guy from Neely, Mississippi, who laid on his death bed while a man came up to him and said, "You don't know me, but I was one of those people you hauled out of X-Ray. Thanks for my life."

Just another guy who was awarded the Medal of Honor in 2001. A guy who saved 30 men from certain death because he flew his helicopter into a hellish firefight to try and save them.

I'm sure now you understand why I didn't delete this e-mail right away. Ed Freeman was a giant. Someone larger than life that was responsible for saving 30 lives in the middle of a deadly Vietnam War battle. I never heard about his passing and never even heard about his story. I didn't even know "We Were Soldiers" starring Mel Gibson was based around that specific fight.

You can call me ignorant but I've tried to right my wrong by doing this. Whether Ed Freeman died yesterday or forever ago, his story needs to be told. His courage, his selflessness, his heart saved the lives of 30 men. Men who otherwise never should have lived their lives.

Rest in Peace Ed Freeman. The world needs more people like you.

God Bless our Troops and their families. Everything they do should be supported, no matter whether you agree with the fight or not. They are out there, doing what they are told, risking their lives, because they dedicated themselves to their duty. Their word is what they gave, and their word is what they will uphold. They need the love and support that they deserve and it is our duty to give it to them.

Thank you to Ed Freeman and the countless others who have served our wonderful country since its inception. Our debt to you goes beyond words.


For more on Ed Freeman, visit Wikipedia.

Also, in anticipation of one of my favorite yearly events, here is an older video from one of the greatest things that the WWE does, their annual "Tribute to the Troops" show. Honoring vets like Ed Freeman and our current troops is the least we can do. The WWE leaves for their trip on November 30th and the show will air sometime before Christmas on NBC.

Watch it and remember the countless individuals who serve our country in our Armed Forces.
God Bless.

Monday Dump...

I don't know what frickin rock I've been living under...I just found out LeBron James is planning on changing his number out of respect for Michael Jordan. I remember James urging all players in the league to not wear the number and for the league to retire it but apparently he made the decision almost two weeks ago to get rid of 23 and begin wearing number 6.

Good move by LBJ. I like wear this kid's head is at. Too bad for him it's in Cleveland.

*Also, I just remembered what rock I was living under. It's the large rock I forced upon my body to keep all the Twilight bullshit away from me. It's the rock I tried to crush myself with so I wouldn't have to hear about a bunch of small girls reliving their Harry Potter obsession, this time now that they are horny and like vampires. Unfortunately, I'm still here and unfortunately Wesley Snipes hasn't killed anyone from Twilight yet.

*Once I removed that rock from my sternum, I found this exciting video of the player I can't figure out whether I like or hate. It's a ridiculous shot and one Phil Jackson probably would have punched him in the nuts for if Phil actually were still alive. Regardless, Kobe Bryant is a very good basketball player.

*Floyd Mayweather's people are meeting with Manny Pacquiao's people today to begin discussing a 2010 mega-bout between the two. Please God, I will never ask for you to kill Jay Cutler again if you make this fight happen. It could be boxing's highest grossing, most publicized fight of all-time. And hopefully Mayweather's face will get knocked off.

*Movie Trailers are always an awesome experience (unless they are for New Moon) and here are a few goodies that are getting out there for the upcoming year:

"The Lovely Bones" - Can't remember if I posted this before, but even if I did, seeing how much weight Peter Jackson has lost is absolutely worth it. He looks RIDICULOUSLY skinny and actually normal. And his vision for this movie is quite incredible.

"Nine" - No f'ing clue what this is about or if I'd ever see it. But Daniel-Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson in a movie trailer needs to be seen.

"Crazy Heart" - Jeff Bridges will win an Oscar. For this or for the Coen Brothers remake of "True Grit". Bridges is a phenomenal actor and he makes this 'Crazy Heart' flick worth checking out. It's like 'The Wrestler' meets 'Talladega Nights' meets 'Walk The Line' meets I have no f'ing clue.

"Season of the Witch" - Dumb name. And it stars Nicolas Cage. But also Ron Perlman. And Ron Perlman stars in one of the best shows on television, "Sons of Anarchy". So sure, why the hell not put it here?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Hockey. Again...it's awesome.


I saw this last night but the TV was on mute so I had no idea what the hell was going on. All I saw was Anaheim's Scott Niedermayer standing at the glass watching a bunch of people fight. I was watching to see anyone random was gonna get punched in the face on accident. I had no idea that there was a hockey stick in there as well. Shit really could have gotten crazy.

In review, Scott Niedermayer was being a good guy and trying to give his stick to someone in the stands after the game. As usually happens, some obnoxious prick tries to intercept the intended receipient and steal their prized new gift. More often than not, people boo the crap out of the scumbag and he concedes and gives the intended receipient their gift. In this case, a fight broke out. Wives/girlfriends were involved and Niedermayer sort of backed away slowly like what the fuck? The best part was the entire stadium was blacked out except for the spotlight on Niedermayer and as he stood there, the whole stadium realized he just started a riot. If this had been Ron Artest on skates, he would have scaled the glass and taken his skate off and started slashing people's throats in half. That would have made Sportscenter's Top 10 Plays for sure.

Either way, when a sports player gives someone something specific, don't try and steal it from the intended receipient. It makes you a huge prickface and then violence sometimes breaks out.

It is fun to watch though....

Friday


Is for ferns. I wish Zach Galifianakis made a 'Between Two Ferns' every day but a man can't possibly be that funny consistently can he??

Here's a new 'Between Two Ferns' with Andy Richter and a special guest. Listen closely in the beginning as Zach informs Andy that the show is starting.

*Also, as a bonus, here's one with Jon Hamm from Mad Men. I've never seen this one and I think it's one of the better ones he's done.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

New York.



People always ask me, why the hell are you a New York Yankees fan? They guess front-runner or that I'm a prick or that I'm just stupid. They are all wrong. I kindly explain and hope things will lighten up.

When I was 9 or 10, I started going to New York to experience the city that is unlike any other on earth. My dad works in NYC and he would take me to the Big Apple for weekend getaways. We'd crash at a Manhattan hotel, walk through Times Square, and go see Yankees games. He had incredible seats in the first row behind the 'Y' in 'New York Yankees'. It was a sports boy's dream.

New York is a monster of a place. It is indescribable until you experience it first hand. From the lights of Times Square, to the deli's and cozy Italian restaurants, to Frank Sinatra; New York is the most unique city on earth.

Spending time with your father, boy to man, experiencing life in New York, is a timeless moment. Walking the storied streets, striding side-to-side with your father, learning about life; New York bonds you and you cherish it forever. Life becomes exciting. It becomes everything you dream of.

I last went to New York City in 2006 with my dad and my roommate and best friend. Saying my roommate fell in love with the city might be an overstatement but he definitely isn't a hater. Not anymore. It's not possible once you go there. Unless you are from Jersey or Philly...that's another story.

Either way, the city reaches out for you.

The big dreams, the big stage, the big streets, the big lights, it grabs you. It's inspiring and you can't help but get into it.

My return to New York was extremely special for me back in 2006. The time before that, the last time I'd been to NYC, it was late August. Of 2001. I still have my ticket stub from when I stood on top of the World Trade Center Towers. I looked over the sprawling layout of marvelous city. I stared in awe and took in everything I could. I went up there every time I went to New York. Two weeks after I got home, two planes were flown into those buildings and they forever disappeared and forever changed our world.

September 11th, for all I'd come to know and love about New York, ripped me in half. I didn't live there, but I felt like somebody killed my family in my front yard. I ached, I cried, I raged. I missed it.

New York had grabbed me and was never going to let me go. There was no point to fight it. We were meant to be.

You can ask me who my favorite sports teams are and who I cheer for the most. I'll always answer New York Yankees first. Then I'll follow with the Miami Hurricanes, the Chicago Bears, the Blackhawks/Bulls, Sox, Cubs. I've been to more Yankees games than Sox/Cubs games combined.

When the Yankees won championship 27 last night, I know people around the USA groaned. They cursed, they talked about buying championships, etc, etc. I'm ok with that, no matter how much it pisses me off. More of NYC to myself. New York needed that. They got close in 2001 after 9/11 but fell short. It tore our hearts open a little bit more.

New York needed to heal. The Yankees always had the ability to do that.

At 9 years old, my life changed for the better. I was introduced to New York and Yankee baseball.

Last night, at 24, my life continued to get better and better. Things felt right again.

New York is a part of my heart. Because of that, the Yankees became a part of my soul.

I'm incredibly grateful for that. Congratulations Yankees. Let's Hear It For New York.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

You Sh!t Here With Me

Yesterday I posted two hilarious videos...of Ellen Degeneres. I know, that's a weird sentence to type. But all due credit to her, they were funny videos.

Today, I post another instant favorite/classic. Creed is a weird band. I have a weird enjoyment of their music despite the fact they are sort of awful. Their lyrics are ridiculous and Scott Stapp is a human douchecan. That said, most truthful people will admit to bobbing their head once or twice to a Creed song in their life. If you say you haven't you are surely a liar.

Making fun of Creed, no matter how much you like them or dislike them, is always fun though. And this video does it perfectly. Listen to a real Creed song first. Then watch this video and laugh.

You Sh!t Here With Me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Oh My God.

I can't believe I'm posting a second video from Ellen Degeneres. But this sh*t is funny. And laughs my friends, help make life exciting and happy.

ENJOY A MONTAGE!!!

(and please ignore the retarded youtube comments that accompany this video)

Ellen Degeneres Prank

Ok. Ellen Degeneres. Some people can stand her, others can't. I'll admit, I've laughed at a few things she has done over the years. She is a very personable and was great as that retarded fish in Finding Nemo.

I was shown the below video by a friend of mine and I immediately thought it was awesome.

Last week, Ellen pulled Halloween pranks on all of her guests. Poor Taylor Swift, fresh off her swastika incident and Kanye's violation, was her best victim by far.

Ellen sent Taylor Swift into a fake dressing room where she was hiding and scared the living shit out of Swift. It is absolutely hilarious and kudos to Swift for her awesome response. I would have gotten a fiery trident and stabbed Degeneres through her heart.

Also, kudos to Ellen for the ridiculous Oprah Magazine costume. By far, my favorite Halloween costume of the year. I can't stop laughing at it.

Well done by Ellen all around. Yes, I just said that.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Christopher Walken/Lady Gaga




Anything Christopher Walken does is amazing. When he receives a script, he removes all the punctuation in that script, and places his own punctuation wherever the hell he wants. Awesome.

What happens when Christopher Walken receives the lyrics to Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"??

Well, thankfully, you can click here to find out.

Brandon Spikes Is Human Sh*t


Big surprise, Brandon Spikes, the classless, dirty player that he is, tried to gouge out one of his opponent's eyes during the University of Florida's game against Georgia this past weekend.

Even less of a surprise was Urban Meyer's punishment for Spikes. Suspension for one half of football as Florida plays Vanderbilt. Ohhhh, big punishment, one half. Against Vanderbilt.

Urban Meyer is the equivalent of possum turds stuck under my shoes so it doesn't surprise me his punishment is less than worthy for one of his star scumbags. I hate the University of Florida more than America hates Osama bin Laden but that's another story for another day.

Listen to Mike Golic agree with me and develop your own putrid hate for Brandon Spikes and the classless asshole that is Urban Meyer.

PETA Is Gonna Be Pissed

Manu Ginobili is gonna get f*cking killed. PETA has already scrambled their snipers to kill him because he hurt one of God's creatures. What the hell am I talking about??

Just watch this clip...

See?? PETA is coming for you Manu. You killed an animal.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Weezer and Lil Wayne


Weezer is a band people like or don't. I sort of feel like there isn't middle ground on Weezer. Their songs are catchy or annoying. I'm in the middle :) I like some, don't care for others.

Well, Weezer has seen the light now. They have a new song. With Lil Wayne on it. It's a track called "Can't Stop Partying". You can listen to it right here.

At first, you are gonna think you are listening to Kevin Rudolph and Lil Wayne. But you are not. It's Weezer. It's a totally different sound for Weezer. But, like their music or not, they are talented and creative guys. They do it again here.

Enjoy it. It's f*cking catchy.

Reasons Why Craig Ferguson is Cool...

1) Because of this clip and this song

2) Because the power went out during his show and he used flashlights to carry on

3) Because he's Scottish and has an awesome tattoo on his right wrist.

Carry on...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday Night Thoughts

I'm sitting here waiting for the Yankees game to start and it's supremely painful.

Listening to Eric Karros and Mark Grace talk is like making love with a porcupine. Grace is a bum and has a 5 o'clock shadow and looks like he just chain-smoked 14 cigarettes. Karros looks like a retard. He has huge hair and looks like it's being pushed up three feet off his head toward the sky. His tie and shirt are ridiculous and he looks like he weighs 134 lbs. In other words, he looks like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

The Yankees are my remaing hope for a salvageable weekend. The Miami Hurricanes blew their game against Clemson yesterday and the Bears played some of the worst football I've seen in years in a loss to the Bengals. So the Yankees are all I have left.

*Speaking of the Bears, I think it's time the Lovie Smith/Ron Turner experiment ended. Lovie Smith remains an emotionless bastard on the sidelines and continues to look more confused as every game goes on. He's useless as a coach and can never get this team prepared to play important games.

Turner is a special story in his own right. The guy was FIRED as head coach at the University of Illinois. That means you suck. Yet the Bears decided it would be a good idea to have him become their offensive coordinator for the second time in his career. Nothing has changed. He still really blows. He has a quarterback with a howitzer arm. Yet his playbook consists only of fullback screens and three yard ins. It's horrific.

I know firing a coach midway through a season never turns out well but let's just do it. Bring Bill Cowher in for one week, Mike Ditka for another, Mike Shanahan, hell, Joe Gibbs for a week. Just rotate through for the rest of the season. Fuck, let Brian Urlacher coach the team for the rest of the season. We would have just the same, if not better results.

The Chicago sports scene needs a shakeup. This would be a good start.

*The Yankees game has started so now I can be entertained. Listening to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver is like listening to Jesus make love. They are so intelligent.

Have a splendid evening. Depending on how mine goes, you may hear from me again.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Movie Trailer Monday!

Lots of em. Good ones. Bad ones. Unfortunately there isn't a trailer yet for my new documentary where I videotape myself shooting Falcon Henne in his legs and then burn down his family's house while the whole world watches. That'll be a sweet episode for their 'reality show'.

No reason to waste time...

"The Missing Person" starring Michael Shannon (weird KKK guy from BAD BOYS 2!!)

"Dear John" starring Channing Tatum (dudes, mark your calendar, author Nicholas Sparks and Channing Tatum? Date night for you and your lady)

"Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" starring Nicolas Cage (Werner Herzog is absolutely crazy and talented. Nicolas Cage seems to be actually acting well for the first time in years and NOLA is cool.)

"The Spy Next Door" starring Jackie Chan...(Haha. Jackie Chan.)

"The Edge of Darkness" starring Mel Gibson (and Ray Winstone and Danny Huston who are awesome.)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Expendables Trailer...


The first trailer for "The Expendables", the greatest action movie to ever live, was released online today. When you have a cast that has Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, and more involved, the trailer better be bloodier than every Rambo movie combined.

Myself and millions of others have created a totally false sense of anticipation based upon this cast and thus I was disappointed by the trailer. Whatever. This trailer looks like it was made by a 7-year old and the dialogue in the movie is retarded. Either way, stuff blows up, huge guns are shot, people kick each other in the face. This movie can't be released and not have at least the craziest movie action sequence ever...

...something along the lines of:

Eric Roberts fights Stone Cold. Stone Cold kills Roberts. Terry Crews jumps in, fights Stone Cold, Crews kills Stone Cold. Mickey Rourke jumps in and kills Crews and then has to fight Dolph Lundgren. Bodies are everywhere. Lundgren kills Rourke then has to fight Jason Statham. Lundgren kills Statham as well. Jet Li pops out of nowhere and fights and kills Lundgren and then Stallone shoots Li 12 times in the face and Stallone wins. Bodies and blood everywhere, Stallone still standing. That's GOTTA be what happens.

Ok, whatever, watch the trailer for "The Expendables" here.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

These Days


Alient Ant Farm had a resurgence in my office last week. While we were sitting around doing random bits of work, AAF came on the radio and brought back instant memories of awesomeness.

After some searching and youtubing, we stumbled across this Alien Ant Farm gem from them performing at the BET Music Awards a few years back. And by perform we mean crash the red carpet before the BET Awards.

Alien Ant Farm pulled a good old rock and roll stunt by setting up instruments on a nearby building and locking themselves up there. When the red carpet got filled with people like 50 Cent, Nelly, Diddy, Brian McKnight, Bubba Sparrrxxxxx, Busta, and Whitney Houston, AAF played their song, "These Days".

Position some random videocamerapeeps down on the red carpet and boom, music video is made.

After some random wtf's and why are those white dudes on the roof looks, the whole BET Awards red carpet was rocking. Only AAF could crash an award for a bunch of black artists and get them rocking.

Ah the good ole days of Alien Ant Farm. If only you were still making our ears bleed...

Monday, October 12, 2009

SNL Still Sucks


SNL had its 3rd episode of the year this past Saturday and the show still blows huge amounts of awfulness.

I caught none of it because I was doing cool things like watching football, drinking beer, and hanging out with friends. I did happen to look up at a television screen at one point and I saw Drew Barrymore's ugly face on it and realized she was hosting it because of her stupid new movie, "Whip It".

Instead of turning away in disgust, I watched for 3 seconds longer on mute and saw what appeared to be a skit making fun of Guy Fieri from The Food Network. Now, I like "Diners, Dive-Ins, and Drives", Fieri's show. What I can't stand is how douchy Fieri is. He's utterly ridiculous. He's fat, has ridiculous blond highlights, wears armbands, eats like a fat slob, and is loud. I fucking hate him even though he brings me to the occasional awesome food joint.

Now, this SNL skit pretty much blew but it was better than any other skit that night, even though that's not saying much. The fun part of it was how well they made Guy Fieri look like a huge douchebag. SNL realized how easy and fun it is to rip on douches. Good for them...

Enjoy the one highlight of what was an otherwise still totally sucky night of SNL!

Barry Obama Peace Prize


I didn't write about this last week because I was too busy trying to find a shotgun which I could load and then shoot through my face. In case you missed the news because you had 302,109,576 other things better to do than give a shit, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for...for um. Ummm....for um. Jesus ummm....Being Barack Obama. I guess.

Barry was in office for ELEVEN DAYS when nominations for the award closed and he became nominated. Nine months into his presidency, he won the fucking award. HOLY SHIT. FOR WHAT?!?

Ok, let's do this objectively. Barry is clearly the savior of our earth so there has to be a great reason he won the Nobel Peace Prize right?

Brad Norington, Washington correspondent for "The Australian", will help us examine the clear reasons that led to Barry's justifiable win of the Nobel Peace Prize.

- Teddy Roosevelt won the award in 1906 after the Nobel committee honored him for mediating the peace treaty that ended the war between Russia and Japan. Roosevelt had been president for FIVE years and he refused to personally accept the award until years after he had left office.

Ok, maybe that's not the best option. Let's try this next one...

- Woodrow Wilson won the award in 1919 for creating the League of Nations in the wake of World War 1. Wilson drove the US into the war, which was critical to bringing about its end, and took the leading role afterwards in the signing of the Treaty of Versailles. Wilson had been in office for SEVEN years before he won the award.

Ok, hmmm....not a good example either.

Maybe Alfred Nobel, the award's founder, can shed some light on this bestowment to Obama. Afterall, Nobel decreed that the Nobel Peace Price "was to be bestowed for achievements during the preceding year." Nobel said that the winner "shall have done the most, or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies, and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses."

Ok, so Obama has called for a new beginning in relations between the United States and the Muslim world. He also pledged that the US would re-engage with the world after the isolation of the previous administration. The neat thing is, he did all of that AFTER he was nominated. WHAT IN THE HELL did he do before that that earned him a nomination?

Alfred Nobel said the award is given for achievements during the preceding year. Barry Obama did jack shit the previous year aside from becoming President of the United States of America.

I'm pretty sure that the wars in Iraq and Afghaninstan are still happening. I'm pretty sure children in America, including Obama's "home" state of Illinois, are dying on their way to and from school.

I'm pretty sure other nominated candidates like Dr. Denis Mukwege will continue to see an average of 10 women a day in his doctor's office waiting room in Bukavu, South Kivu. They are coming because they're violently gang-raped and mutilated in front of their familes, children, friends, and others in the sexual-violence-plagued region of Congo.

I'm pretty sure Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai will continue to fight for his country's rights against a dictator, President Robert Mugabe, as Tsvangirai attempts to bring the once-prominent south African country out of the violence and poverty that has plagued the country since Mugabe's reign began.

The Nobel Committee gave Obama the Peace Prize for "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." Clearly, that effort did a great job in getting America the 2016 Olympics.

All jokes aside, President Obama has done jack shit for America so far. He's been filled with big words and empty promises. This award continues to shift Obama's reputation into celebrity punchline instead of divine savior of America. He's been a celebrity, not the savior everyone predicted he would be. As Michael Steele pointed out, Obama won't be receiving any awards from Americans for job creation, fiscal responsibility, or rhetoric and concrete action anytime soon.

There are many people that deserved this award. Barack Obama is not of them. Gimme a fucking break.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

New CREED SINGLE!!!


People hate Creed. Scott Stapp's lyrics are sort of retarded. You can pretty much guess what he's going to say based on him rhyming everything. It's weird.

Anyways, Creed has changed the world. Or they are about to. Their sophomore single from their new album Full Circle, is called "Rain". It's essentially the greatest song ever created.

It's emotionally touching and heart-pounding. It renders emotions useless because the heart and brain cannot tell what to feel. Tears of joy? Pain? Happiness? Laughter? Love? It's everything. This is the single greatest song the world will ever hear. It is perfect.

Scott Stapp created super music like this back in the day. Then he went crazy, made pornos, did drugs and drank too much, and lost everything he ever had. Then he went full circle (HINT HINT THEIR NEW ALBUM TITLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and found himself. After 7 years apart, Creed got back together, gave Scott a chance and he produced the most perfect music the world will hear. God is clearly inside of him during this song.

Sit back, grab tissues, grab a loved one, grab a friend, grab your parents, grab your brothers and sisters, grab smiles, grab laughter, and listen. Your heart will cry joy.

Creed - Rain

(*this is the best quality version I could find aside from iTunes...the video is from The Last Samurai and is full of rain. It is emotional.)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Stuff You Never Noticed As A Child

Watch this video. It's super creepy.

British people are f*cking nuts and their humor is weird. This is probably a complete joke. Or it's totally serious and we are all now officially creeps for having watched it.

Seriously, what the f*ck is this? Sesame Street was weird and creepy sometimes. But it at least seemed semi-educational. I watched it as a child and felt smart. I watch the above video and feel like I need to bath and go to confession.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hockey

The NHL season started.

When your team plays deep into the playoffs for the first time in ages, the NHL off-season is thankfully quite short.

I missed the below hit in the preseason but the newly discovered www.thetwolinepass.com didn't. If you're a hockey fan I suggest checking the site out. It's quite excellent. A nice addition to my bookmark toolbar.

Dion Phaneuf hits Kyle Okposo

Hockey is pretty much the coolest sport on earth, aside from football. And rugby. Ron Artest even goes to hockey games. That's how cool it is.

Also, I posted a Milan Lucic fight from the other day...here's another one. This time he beat the living shit out of Jay Harrison. At this rate, Lucic is going to bloody someone up every 3 days. It's going to be an awesome hockey season.

Happy Monday.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Humpage!

Friday's are awesome. This Friday is super special.

First, you lose the Olympics. That's a perfect start. Chicago didn't even make it out of the first round. That's ripe.

(I didn't want the Olympics. If I feel like it and have time, I'll dive into why I didn't want the Olympics sometime soon. If not, who gives a sh*t. The city of Chicago has enough issues already that the Olympics would have made it 10 times worse. Mayor Daley can't even run an honest city that functions, much less one preparing for the Olympics)

Second, the Blackhawks lose. To the Florida Panthers. The Florida Panthers on some nights can't beat a mentally challenged team of 7-year old children at hockey. But they beat the Hawks today to open the BHawks season. I'm gonna blame it on Helsinki. That's a place in Finland. Does anyone care? That's what I thought.

Thirdly, sweet videos come my way. I posted the video with the kid who takes his shirt off and slaps his classmate earlier. That was classic. This next video is superb as well. It's a little older so you might have seen it. Either way, it's still endlessly funny. The dog has perfect form. Cute little puppy.

Happy Friday...enjoy!!

David Letterman Bombshell


In case you missed Letterman last night because you were too busy killing small cats and eating tuna, here's what happened:

- Letterman admitted he has had sex with numerous staffers from his show over the course of many years

- Letterman admitted that one of the people who worked at CBS knew of these sexual encounters and wanted to extort Letterman for $2 million

WATCH HIM ADMIT IT LIVE HERE

Yes, David Letterman has had sex. He's the first person to poke fun at himself for it. Yes, David Letterman is/was being blackmailed by an employer of CBS' who has also probably had sex with one of the girl's that Dave did. Yes, the blackmailer did get arrested because he was retarded.

The crazy thing about what Dave did is that it probably was the best thing he could have done. He came out, admitted what he'd done, and got to the point. He flipped a bitch on the blackmailer. As Dave explains, they set the blackmailer up and the blackmailer got caught and arrested.

Now, basically it leaves Dave to have to deal with the embarrassment this announcement has caused him and his family, including the woman he's dated since 1986 and recently married. That will be tough enough. Now at least he doesn't have to worry about hiding it and covering up the self-described "creepy things he's done."

I like Dave, I don't like Dave. I disagree with his politics but I think he's a talented guy. What strikes me in this whole thing are the retards in his audience that have no idea what they are laughing at. Dave, with all his courage, decided to admit on national TV that he's had numerous affairs with staffers and that someone tried to blackmail him for it.

Dave starts slow and makes numerous jokes about himself and as he begins to dive deeper, the audience slowly realizes Dave actually is really emotional about this. Until Dave openly admits that he has had numerous sexual relationships with some female staff members, does the audience realize, "HOLY SHIT...THIS IS A TOTALLY SERIOUS MOMENT."

I applaud Dave for only once saying, "Now why are you laughing" to his audience. Granted they thought they were in for a late night funny show, but they got so much more. It's unfortunate it took them and their retarded pals so long to realize what Dave was doing.

Also, lastly...this shit happens ALL OVER the place. People sleep with their boss, their co-workers, everyone. Some are in relationships, some are whores, some are just experimenting. Dave happens to host a national television show and admitted it on national television. He's not the President, he's not the pope, he's Dave Letterman. He has explaining to do at home now...nowhere else. He knows what he did was wrong.

Dave can try to move on while the moron who worked at CBS who did this can sit in jail because he had a horrible plan that didn't work.

Well done Dave. Well done.

Bitch-Slap

I just got sent a video by a few buddies and it's ridiculous. As in awesome.

Watch the kid sitting next to the kid in the white t-shirt. If you notice, he is slapping his buddy on the head behind his own head and blaming it on the kid behind them...

The Wrong Guy Gets the Blame

1) What language are they speaking
2) Why is the teacher(?) sitting with his desk touching the students' desks?
3) Why does that monsterous human being take his shirt off to slap another kid?

Lol, I watched this video 15 times and it gets funnier each view. Enjoy it.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Xbox Project Natal Destruction


I was going to classify this in the movie trailer section but it deserves its own post...

The only reason I thought about including it in movies is because Steven Spielberg is behind it. What is it? It's Xbox's Project Natal development. Basically it's a super-advanced Wii. No controllers, no cords, just you. Your body controls all aspects of the TV, the video game, everything. It's like your in I, Robot. Without the appetite to destroy Will Smith.

The trailer/announcement videos for this project are all over the internet. Here's my favorite gem:

E3 2009: Project Natal Xbox Annoucement

I'm creeped out by this thing. I love Xbox360 but I don't know about my reactions here. I feel liek this is the beginning of the end of the world. On top of that, this video is retarded. Here's why:

1) The little boy should be going to a real dojo to learn karate. He's gonna get his ass kicked in the real world if he thnks beating up a video game sensai works. Just because you knocked out Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punchout doesn't mean he wouldn't put his fist through your head in the real world. Dork.

2) That girl shouldn't be driving. She's way too young and girls tend to be terrible drivers anyway. She's gonna kill herself and the fans at the race track. Look at Danica Patrick. She sucks.

3) Speaking of sucking, dad really blows at pit stops. He's way too into it and looks like a f*cking dork doing it. His daughter, with her bad driving, is gonna be in last place by the time dad gets her out of the pits. Take it easy, DAD.

4) Why are they re-creating Godzilla destroying a city? That looks like a stupid, boring game. And that little kid is stomping around like a down syndrome monster. Why is he scaring the living hell out of innocent Japanese citizens. He's racist.

5) The mom and her daughter look very stupid playing soccer. The daughter almost super-kicks her foot through the TV and destroys all the fun and the mom gives a half-ass effort to block her kick. There's a couch next to you...f*cking dive all out to stop that sh*t. The game probably ended in a tie anyways.

6) I hate kids that skateboard. I hate that kid.

7) Sarah is a bad friend. For some reason, that daughter is Sarah's friend and it's clearly holding her back. Someone is gonna have to bite the bullet and get with Sarah if anyone wants to have a chance of getting with the daughter. Plus, that dress Sarah selected for the daughter looks stupid. You need a new friend.

8) Millard Fillmore! What a retarded answer to use in a demonstration. Plus the dad is looking at his son like he's a retard.

**Also, apparently the white family is playing against the black family who is on the other side of the wall from them. The white family is winning 600-100. Um, racist a little Xbox?

**Also, that wall means Sarah is on the other side of the wall. Why didn't the daughter walk over there and TALK about their dresses for the party? This is why people can't communicate nowadays and talk like retarded cows in public.

9) You don't have to act out the movie on the screen? You can put in a DVD and it plays it for you? You don't get to sit in a straddling position around Demi Moore and play in clay during "Ghost"? Wtf?

10) Lastly, no family is ever as happy as this family is. They play way too many video games, dad is an idiot, and the daughter is clearly getting around the block. If they spent this much time together, they would all be trying to kill each other. This game system cannot make anyone that happy.

Xbox is attempting to destroy the world with this creation. Steven Spielberg is apparently going to make a real-life movie that is going to destroy us all. Thanks Project Natal. Sounds awesome.

Movie Trailer...THURSDAY!!!



"The Book of Eli" starring Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington is awesome. He's always been an incredible actor and he's a good dude. His role in 'Man On Fire' is one of my favorite movie roles of all-time. Simply take a great actor, make him a bad-ass killer, take the one thing in his life that he cares about, have him hunt down the bad people that did it. I liked the movie. It's pure entertainment.

"The Book of Eli" holds similar expectations for me. I want to be entertained. Denzel plays a survivor after a world-devastating war that has desolated earth. His job is to protect, big surprise, "The Book of Eli", which holds keys to restarting civilization. Gary Oldman, the SUPERB, Gary Oldman, plays a villain, hell-bent on destroying the book and killing Washington. This is a perfect match. Denzel as a good guy, Oldman as a bad guy. I mean, Gary Oldman is like, the most super bad-guy actor on earth. "Air Force One" anyone!??!

The movie also stars the super sexy Mila Kunis and is directed by the Hughes Brothers. The Coen's they are not but they did direct Menace II Society, Dead Presidents, and From Hell. This movie is a bit of a new direction for them and the cinematography looks pretty damn good. Denzel looks like a bad-ass again and that at the very least should be entertaining.

People will argue that the film "The Road", starring Viggo Mortensen, is the exact same thing. It's coming out in late November and is based off Cormac McCarthy's Pulitzer Prize Winning book about a post-apocalyptic world.

Whatever, I don't care. Both movies will be good. Denzel's in the top 2 of my list of good movies to see if person X is in them and I'm looking forward to a little God-motivated, apocalyptic, asshole kicking.

"Nightmare on Elm Street" remake

Before you dismiss ANOTHER horror movie remake, check this one out. Starring Jackie Earle Haley (mind you an Academy Award nominated actor), this remake is Michael Bay's continued attempt to take over the world. I love Michael Bay. "Bad Boys" and "Bad Boys 2" are the f*cking best movies ever. I barely can sleep at night in anticipation of the news that Will Smith and Martin Lawrence have signed on for BB3. That said, Michael Bay scary movies are always interesting. You're never quite sure what you are going to get.

"Nightmare on Elm Street" already is higher up on the list of horror remakes simply because of Jackie Earle Haley. The dude can act. Plus he is creepy. Add all the weird creepiness that will come with playing Freddy Krueger and he'll be good to go. You might just have a decent horror movie. Nevermind how someone who gets killed in a dream can get killed in real life. Understanding plots like this one aren't the point. Being entertained is. That's what movies are for, right?

"From Paris With Love"

No, not a new Bond movie. This is John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Myers is a low-ranking intelligence agent and Travolta is a super-nutso, super-agent who kills a ton of people. This movie looks weird, Travolta looks weird, and Meyers really makes me not give a crap one way or another. Watch the trailer, you decide for yourself.

"This Is It" - Michael Jackson

Love him or hate him, this looks good. Michael Jackson had talent and made some kick ass music. When I saw this, I was sort of disappointed he wasn't going to get one more run of mega-shows to perform in front of the world. Ignore the "too soon" cries and the probability this was released to make bank and give it a shot. It's only in theatre's for 2 weeks and I know I won't want to sit in the movie theatre with the weirdo's that will also be there to watch it. Hopefully it'll appear down the line on a DVD.

"Zombieland"

Seen the ads yet? Seen the trailer? No real explanations needed. Most of the time I love Woody Harrelson. Sometimes I don't. This time, all love. I want to see this movie this weekend. It'll be entertaining. Zombie comedy with lots of potential.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Between Two Ferns w Charlize Theron...& a Discussion About The WNBA


Probably 3 or 4 of my last 8 posts have somehow included Zach Galifianaksifdsijasi and one of his awesome moments...

"The Hangover" needs no explanation and has put Galifiankis on the map for everyone looking for a dose of hilarious comedy.

I was at a wedding in Indiana this past weekend and the morning after our post-reception hotel party, I took an awesome cab ride with a nice cab driver lady back to my place of residence for my exploits in Indy.

During the cab ride, here is what we discussed:

1) My hair looking neat despite the post-party morning-bed syndrome

2) Sunday being an awesome day because of the Yankees-Red Sox game, the Bears game, and the Colts-Cardinals game at night

3) The Indiana Fever

**side note that the Indiana Fever were the discussion for most of the car ride. The cab driver was a season ticket holder to the Fever and has 8 tickets for their home games. I'm sure that runs her somewhere around $29 for all 8 tickets. Either way, she was super stoked that the Fever had made it to the championship of the WNBA. I barely knew that the WNBA season had started, much less was in the playoff phase of things, but whatever...I dropped some of my sick knowledge on the Chicago Sky (Chicago's WNBA team!) and how much they sucked and we hit it off.

I still remembered that one of the Catchings' sisters played for Indiana and that she probably was happy they made it to the championship...My cab driver said, "Oh hell yea, she cried when they won." She told me Larry Bird bought 8,000 seats and gave them away for free for the final game in the conference finals...I bet that ran him $782. My cab driver is going to Game 3 and 4 of the WNBA Championship next week and can't wait because her list of sweet shit (much like my #2 above) has the Indiana Fever added on to the end of it...If you wanna go, I'm sure thousands of tickets are still available at IndianaFever.com**

- Back to the cab discussions -

4) "The Hangover"

** When we discussed my hair we discussed why I was dressed in a suit, with a pink shirt, a tie, and a spilling cup of coffee in my hand. I told her it was because I had just come from a sweet-ass wedding of love, awesomeness, friends, and dancing.

She said, "You look like hell a little but you look good. Yo hair and shirt are different and that's cool [Enter # 1 and the discussion about my hair]. Did you see Kanye's hair at the VMA's? That was different fo sho. Ladies like Kanye cuz he brought dirrent' in with those pink polo's and crazy hair cuts. Ladies like different and I'm sure the ladies like you."

I brushed that weird comment off and decided to leave out the fact that Kanye drank a whole bottle of hennessey (I don't give a shit how you spell it) before he went on-stage and made poor Taylor Swift shit her pants...

Instead, I responded by saying, "Luckily, I dont feel like too much hell. I feel great actually. I had an awesome night! I don't feel like those dudes from that movie, 'The Hangover' at least".

Here's what happened next:

Cab Lady: "Hangover? What's that movie?"
Me: "You know, 4 dudes lose their friend in Vegas? Comedy..."
Cab Lady: "Who's in it?"
Me: "Um...Bradley Cooper. Crazy dude from Wedding Crashers..."
Cab Lady: "Nah..."
Me: "Um...Heather Graham? Hot blonde?"
Cab Lady: "Oh wait...umm..."
Me: "Dude with crazy beard? Zach Galifiankis? Mike Tyson too!"
Cab Lady: "OH HELL YEA I KNOW THAT MOVIE!! THAT SHIT WAS SO DAMN FUNNY! THOSE DUDES LOST DEY FRIEND AND HAD TO PUT SHIT BACK TOGETHA CUZ DEY NIGHT WAS SO FRICKIN CRAZY!"

Exactly. I'm not sure if it was the Galifiankis or Tyson but she f*cking knew what I was talking about. We talked briefly about that movie before the Indiana Fever became the main subject line.

Either way, the above story serves really no meaningful point other than to point out that Zach Galifiankis is hilarious. If you haven't seen his series called, "Between Two Ferns", check it out. Check here for Spooning With A Stranger 'Between Two Ferns' highlights...

It features him being ridiculous and interviewing celebrities who are dumbfounded despite the fact they know he's joking. He's that damn good.

Here's his most recent installment, featuring Charlize Theron.

PS - I understand I said recent and it was done like over a month ago. The fact I've been working and not updated Spooning With A Stranger means nothing to me. I hope you haven't seen it and can laugh at it. If you have seen it, watch again and laugh.

Super.

PPS - Go Indiana Fever. I hope they win so best cab driver I've ever had has an awesome weekend. Thanks for the ride home too.

Woah. Hockey Fights Are Back. And Ties Are Stupid...


Hockey. It's coming back...soon. Like Thursday I think.

I know the Chicago Blackhawks start the season in Finland or Korea or Iran or some really stupid place on earth so I'm not overly positive on when the NHL kicks off their ice charades. It's soon.

Part of the reason I do enjoy hockey is because you can fight during the contest. Make a big hit on the other team's star player? Star player's goon teammate is going to find you and try and slit your throat with his skate.

Marc Savard, one of Boston's superbly talented players got raped earlier in the game by ginger-boy Chris Neil of the Ottawa Senators. Milan Lucic, as noted by his Serbian name of destruction, doesn't like when that happens.

He tries to shove the smaller Neil around and make him mad. Neil responds by shoving back. Lucic, like any good Serb, decides when the puck drops, just to hit Neil in the nuts with his stick.

Neil, like any good ginger, quickly responds because he has no genitalia and begins to fight Lucic.

Lucic gets some good shots in and Neil actually hangs tight in the fight before it ends with Neil's face looking a lot worse than Lucic's.

Either way, it's professional athlete's, who could kill you and me, fighting in the middle of a pre-season game and the refs allowing it. That's why hockey is great. It's a sport full of talent and skill and huge hits and fights. Plus, some teams have hot ice girl cheerleaders too.

** On a side note...the NHL used to have ties. Teams would play 60-minutes of hard fought hockey and then go to overtime. If the teams tied at the end of overtime, the game ended in a tie. That's retarded, I know. Thankfully, nowadays, the NHL forces a short OT, then goes to a shootout to decide the winner. OT is neat. Shootouts are awesome. Ties are for losers.

The NFL, thankfully filled with non-losers, rarely has an OT game end in a tie because the teams are so exhausted from brutally destroying each other that one team usually screws up and allows a TD or field goal or safety and ends the game before OT can end with no scoring.

That leads me to last night's softball game that my co-workers and I played in...

We played our second game of the season, in typical Chicago fall fashion - a little warm weather, diagonal rain, wind, darkness, coldness and dust. We played a good team that got out to a big lead and we came back to tie it up, take the lead, and go back and forth with this team for 6 strong innings.

When the 6th inning ended, tied 14-14, the ump looked at his watch, and yelled, "TIME!! The next game has to start now! Game ends in a tie!"

...what?!?...a tie??? Are you f*cking serious?

We were pissed. Both teams agreed that this sucked. The game before ours went long and we started late. Now we had to end on time so the two teams behind us could play? It's not like it was 0-0 either. Both teams played well and still had another inning or two in them before we had to hit the bar...but nope. Game ended in a tie.

I couldn't imagine being a professional sports player and having to end the game in a tie. NFL football ending in a tie? Rarely ever happens. NHL? Nope, not anymore. Baseball? Aside from the All-Star debacle a few years back, no more ties. NBA? They'll play till 1,000 points are put up or Vernon Maxwell snaps and kills both teams. For Christ's sake I've seen a 3-day Cricket match take place in London so a tie wouldn't happen. And those f*ckers stopped to drink tea in the middle of the match!!

...which leads me to two final points...

1) Ties are f*cking retarded. Two teams go to battle and one comes away a winner. Wars don't end in ties. Sports shouldn't either.

2) Soccer is for weirdos. Soccer games end in ties. They flop all over the field for 90 minutes, scratch and scream at each other, and kick a ball. Soccer games end in ties. Soccer sucks.

That's all.

More Spooning With A Stranger coming soon. I enjoy writing too much to take prolonged breaks for actual real-world work. My plan for fall is to grow a beard, wear flannels, drink hot-alcoholic cider, and write. Hope it works out.

Counter-Punch


One more...it counters the Will Ferrell video from the previous post.

Toby Keith, love him or hate him, is smart.

America is a mess, the world is retarded, and people suck lots of ass. Toby expresses our feelings.

Left or right, Toby has a little message for both. You might hate country music and hate weird puppet videos but I like this bit. I'll be the first person over to Toby Keith's house when Mahmoud Achmadinejad-Fuku-Jihad nukes the world. Toby will have guns.

PSA Speaking Out Against Insurance Companies


Sometimes a cause so important comes along that even the funniest of funny (Will Ferrell - most times) and coolest of coolest (Jon Hamm) speak out to make sure people get the facts.

Below is an important ad Ferrell and Hamm put together to speak out against the Insurance crap that is taking place in this country.

1) Here's the video via Huffington Post's website

* Let it be noted that I can't believe I'm linking to HP's website. Huffington Post is a hellish website that poisons the minds of individuals all over this country. I merely linked to the video on this website so you could understand the seriousness of Ferrell and Hamm's ad.

For those that refuse to click on the bullsh*tty website above, go below for number two.

2) Funny or Die coverage of the Will Ferrell ad

* I don't like linking to the same website over and over, no matter how awesome it is because I don't want it to like like I'm simply stealing all their material. I'm merely condensing all the ridiculous shit that gets posted to the interweb everyday and putting it in a convenient spot on Spooning With A Stranger.

There's a lot your mind has to handle on a day-to-day basis.

If you spooned with a stranger the night before, you have to worry about:

1) Is she pregnant?
2) Um, that was a dude...
3) Do I call again?
4) What was I thinking?
5) Why did I mix Nickelback and drinking?

My job is to consolidate the semi-good stuff and put it in one place so you can easily access it. You have enough to worry about. Life's a fun journey of ups, downs, and moments you'll never forget. There's also moments you want to forget. Fortunately, while you are trying to forget the terrible decisions you made last night or two months ago, Spooning With A Stranger gives you just a little bit content to help you black out for a few minutes.

Anyways, I hope the serious ad above got your attention. Funny or die only does funny and they took exception this one time and did serious. That's how important it was.

Think about it.

** Aside from the fact I stand on the right side of this debate and actually didn't laugh at the above video, I hope you did.

- I think if you fall off your bike, you are mentally stupid and should pay for your surgery.
- If you mispell a word and can't get surgery, clearly you were pathetic at spelling when you were growing up. People who can't spell are stupid.
- We're all screwed anyways. Obama is sinking day by day and Iran is going to nuke the world.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Stallworth/Burress


Spooning with a Stranger is coming back. Work is still busy but the world is making me fed up. I'm not gonna sit around and not get pissed about the fucking jail sentences that Plaxico Burress and Donte Stallworth have gotten for their respective retarded episodes...

A) Stallworth parties in Miami at a night club. He then goes driving with a .126 blood alcohol level...holy shit. Florida's legal limit is .08. Stallworth is fucking wasted.

Stallworth drives into a man who is walking across a highway or something and he kills the guy. The guy splatters all over the place and Stallworth shits his pants and says oh my God I just re-created a Pearl Jam Song. Mind you Stallworth "flashed his headlights and honked his horn to warn Reyes". As Stallworth then described it, "We collided."

People collide with walls and other humans. When you walk down the hallway and bump into John from accounting, you COLLIDED. When a car runs over a human being there isn't a collision. It's annihilation.

Stallworth was suspended indefinitely by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell after the crash. He received a...30-DAY JAIL SENTENCE AND REACHED AN UNDISCLOSED FINANCIAL SETTLEMENT WITH REYES' FAMILY. Stallworth gets 2 years of house arrest, eight years of probation and other restrictions.

Under a recent judge ruling, Stallworth now gets to leave his house to work out with a trainer. His house arrest didn't include the fact he gets to leave for community service, charity events, and work (WHICH IS PLAYING FOOTBALL).

Stallworth signed a seven-year, $35 million contract in 2008 with the Cleveland Browns and for now remains on their roster.

B) Plaxico Burress parties in Manhattan. He gets a bit drunk and accidentally shoots himself while he's in the club. Holy shit. He's fucking retarded.

The gun slipped down Burress' trousers and fired, shooting him in the thight and then narrowly missed a security guard standing nearby. The bullet lodged in the floor and was recovered by a bartender.

The gun was not licensed in NY or NJ, where Burress lived and his license to carry a concealed weapon had expired in May 2008.

Burress was with a teammate, Antonio Pierce, who drove him to a hospital, took the gun home then later returned it to Burress.

Apparently the nightclub and the hospital never notified police that Burress had been shot.

The Giants released Burress in April and Burress pleaded guilty to a weapons charge this morning. Burress received a TWO-YEAR PRISON TERM.

HOLY SHIT?!?! TWO YEARS!? For shooting yourself in the leg? Stallworth can get fucking hammered drunk, drive a car, and splatter a human beings organs all over a highway road and get 30 days in jail and Burress gets 2 years?!?

I hate both of these idiots. Stallworth is a typical athlete idiot and Burress is just a fucking retard. Come on though! Burress embarrassed himself enough when he shot himself in the leg in a nightclub. Two years is a ridiculous sentence! Stallworth got his sentence reduced to 30 days and has had all kinds of concessions made. Burress, on good behavior, could get his sentence reduced to 20 months.

I hate to say it but Burress' attorney, Benhamin Brafman, was right when he said, "This was not an intentional criminal act. In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment."

Look, our world is fucked up enough. These two morons are examples of stupid people who do stupid shit and ruin great things that they have going for them. It's unfortunate. People do the exact same things that Stallworth and Burress do all the time. I guarantee you that somewhere in our world today, someone will illegally carry a gun and shoot themselves or something. Someone will drive drunk and injure or kill someone besides themselves. It sucks.

That said, in our world of disappearing common sense, the above doesn't make too much sense to me. A guy kills someone with his car and gets 30 days in jail. A guy shoots himself in the leg and gets 2 years. Seems weird huh?

Here's a recap:

- Fight/Kill Dogs in this country = 2 years in prison
- Shoot yourself in the leg = 2 years in prison
- Drive drunk & kill someone with your car = 30 days in prison
- Get an abortion/kill unborn children = monetary fee


I don't agree with any of it. I love dogs and could never ever ever do what Michael Vick did. I don't own a gun yet but I will and I plan on being a responsible gun owner. I wouldn't bring it to a club. I dont drink and drive anymore. Even two beers impairs your judgement. Public transportation and cabs are the way to go. Plaxico Burress and Donte Stallworth are idiots. They both deserve punishment. They got it and it's SOLELY their faults.

Still doesn't mean our justice system isn't a total fucking sloppy mess.

Friday, July 31, 2009

HOLY SHIT


Hi.

It's been a long time. I suppose a lot of apologies are necessary. I can't really explain where I've been. Work is really busy. People keep losing their jobs and then more people do the tasks that were once designed for whole offices. Summer tends to be the busiest time of the year at work too. Soooo....I get delayed.

Since my last post...

- Michael Jackson stopped molesting kids
- Billy Mays stopped being awesome
- Erin Andrews got spied on by a creepster (thank you creepster)
- I lost a wedding band 3 hours before the wedding
- President Obama (sorta) buzzed NYC
- I was in a room when we called someone at work and gave them $10,000
- Megan Fox got hotter
- Many other people got grosser

In the meantime, that doesn't matter...what matters is that Spooning has returned...albeit sort of. As the ridiculously fast summer progresses towards fall, more strange spooning experiences will be posted. I won't promise anything but hopefully it won't be zilch.

For today, a beautiful Friday, I offer these two videos of my favorite new band, "Airbourne".

They released their first CD in 2007 and have another one coming this year. They are from Australia and consider AC/DC a major influence. They fucking rock. They are going to save this world from hell and save Rock 'N' Roll as we know it.

When you look at the review of their album on iTunes, they mention that Airbourne sounds like AC/DC and like Rock 'N' Roll...but Airbourne reminds people that anyone that doesn't get giddy and crazy to the sound of good ole' Rock 'N' Roll is just plain stupid.

Airbourne is fucking fantastic. There's not a dull moment allowed. Watch their videos, tell your friends, show your parents. You will have fun. You will rock. Airbourne will save us all.

Enjoy.

Airbourne - "Running Wild" Live Wacken Festival 2008

Airbourne - "Blackjack" Live Wacken Festival 2008


Some audio

Airbourne - "Stand and Deliver"