Woah. Hockey Fights Are Back. And Ties Are Stupid...

Hockey. It's coming back...soon. Like Thursday I think.

I know the Chicago Blackhawks start the season in Finland or Korea or Iran or some really stupid place on earth so I'm not overly positive on when the NHL kicks off their ice charades. It's soon.

Part of the reason I do enjoy hockey is because you can fight during the contest. Make a big hit on the other team's star player? Star player's goon teammate is going to find you and try and slit your throat with his skate.

Marc Savard, one of Boston's superbly talented players got raped earlier in the game by ginger-boy Chris Neil of the Ottawa Senators. Milan Lucic, as noted by his Serbian name of destruction, doesn't like when that happens.

He tries to shove the smaller Neil around and make him mad. Neil responds by shoving back. Lucic, like any good Serb, decides when the puck drops, just to hit Neil in the nuts with his stick.

Neil, like any good ginger, quickly responds because he has no genitalia and begins to fight Lucic.

Lucic gets some good shots in and Neil actually hangs tight in the fight before it ends with Neil's face looking a lot worse than Lucic's.

Either way, it's professional athlete's, who could kill you and me, fighting in the middle of a pre-season game and the refs allowing it. That's why hockey is great. It's a sport full of talent and skill and huge hits and fights. Plus, some teams have hot ice girl cheerleaders too.

** On a side note...the NHL used to have ties. Teams would play 60-minutes of hard fought hockey and then go to overtime. If the teams tied at the end of overtime, the game ended in a tie. That's retarded, I know. Thankfully, nowadays, the NHL forces a short OT, then goes to a shootout to decide the winner. OT is neat. Shootouts are awesome. Ties are for losers.

The NFL, thankfully filled with non-losers, rarely has an OT game end in a tie because the teams are so exhausted from brutally destroying each other that one team usually screws up and allows a TD or field goal or safety and ends the game before OT can end with no scoring.

That leads me to last night's softball game that my co-workers and I played in...

We played our second game of the season, in typical Chicago fall fashion - a little warm weather, diagonal rain, wind, darkness, coldness and dust. We played a good team that got out to a big lead and we came back to tie it up, take the lead, and go back and forth with this team for 6 strong innings.

When the 6th inning ended, tied 14-14, the ump looked at his watch, and yelled, "TIME!! The next game has to start now! Game ends in a tie!"

...what?!?...a tie??? Are you f*cking serious?

We were pissed. Both teams agreed that this sucked. The game before ours went long and we started late. Now we had to end on time so the two teams behind us could play? It's not like it was 0-0 either. Both teams played well and still had another inning or two in them before we had to hit the bar...but nope. Game ended in a tie.

I couldn't imagine being a professional sports player and having to end the game in a tie. NFL football ending in a tie? Rarely ever happens. NHL? Nope, not anymore. Baseball? Aside from the All-Star debacle a few years back, no more ties. NBA? They'll play till 1,000 points are put up or Vernon Maxwell snaps and kills both teams. For Christ's sake I've seen a 3-day Cricket match take place in London so a tie wouldn't happen. And those f*ckers stopped to drink tea in the middle of the match!!

...which leads me to two final points...

1) Ties are f*cking retarded. Two teams go to battle and one comes away a winner. Wars don't end in ties. Sports shouldn't either.

2) Soccer is for weirdos. Soccer games end in ties. They flop all over the field for 90 minutes, scratch and scream at each other, and kick a ball. Soccer games end in ties. Soccer sucks.

That's all.

More Spooning With A Stranger coming soon. I enjoy writing too much to take prolonged breaks for actual real-world work. My plan for fall is to grow a beard, wear flannels, drink hot-alcoholic cider, and write. Hope it works out.

Jesus That's Depressing

Here's a photo from Videogum:

If you can't figure out what's happening, a future terroristic warrior is cooking his dinner in what used to be an old Blockbuster Video tape drop.

We used to return late videos into this thing and now some foreign country uses it as an oven. Yikes. That's really depressing.

Part of the reason half the world hates us is because they see how we used to use these things to return dumb movies we watched. Someone inevitably watched "3 Ninja's" on VHS and one day returned it in this exact box (by no means am I implying that 3 Ninja's was bad though). The world laughs at our incredibly terrible taste in movies and sees that we used to produce large metal boxes that would house these returned flicks. Eventually, we got so lazy that we began to rent online, and these drop boxes became useless. So, we shipped them off to 3rd World Country's and airdropped them in like we did in "Operation Dumbo Drop". Next thing you know, the young terroristic warriors are being told by their parents and village leaders that America was a wasteful country who couldn't even use VHS drop boxes! They spit on the drop boxes then proceed to have to cook their food in them because they are too poor for anything else.

And we wonder why people hate us.


** On a side note...there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel we are in. United Airlines announced today that they are banning fat people from flying on their planes. If you can't put the armrest down and can't buckle the seatbelt using ONE seatbelt because you are so fat, you must by an extra seat next to you. If there is no seat next to you, you must get off and wait for a later flight.

It's about time this happens. I'm by no means a totally fit person, but when a fat, smelly person is next to me taking up two seats, that's crossing the line. America is full of lazy, fat, uneducated, unmotivated pieces of shit. It's time we fight back. Fat people are destroying America's health care system. It's so damn expensive for health care because of the fat asses who eat McDonald's 5 times a week and have sex once every 482 years. Why should I have to pay the exact same amount for health care as Charlie Chuckman who weighs 327 lbs? I fully support United Airlines initiative and you should too. Slowly, maybe we can climb out of this dark, dark tunnel we have entered. This is a great first step.

F*ck you fat people.

What's a Biffy? It Cleans Poop...

I love bidet's. They are awesome. I've never used one because they creep me out, but I love to know they are around in case of an emergency.

I know women tend to use bidet's more than men (though it should probably be the other way around), but I don't think this video should have been made. There's a women in the street, a bunch of women working out, and a small child. Know what they are talking about? Cleaning their cr*cks. I don't even want to type the word cra*ks because this product freaks me out.

Look at it. It's like a garden sprinkler that you ran through as a child. And it's cleaning your b-hole. I'm ok with people getting all sweaty and working out, but do they have to go sit on a biffy when they are done? Does it get that nasty when working out that a garden hose needs to be used to clean?

And what the hell is the point of that little girl!? That takes this video from totally weird to child-molesting creepy. She can't be older than 8 and clearly she doesn't need a biffy.

Holy sh*t, I'm going to have nightmares.

(But I can't wait to go to New Orleans in May where the hotel I'm staying at has a bidet)