Fantasy Nascar Power Rankings - Week 3

Power Rankings - Week 3

1. Team Hinton (195 pts, 1-1) [4]

2. Team Eric (187 pts, 1-1) [1]

3. Team Lawton (156 pts, 1-1) [2]

4. Team Phelan (153 pts, 1-1) [6]

5. Team Martino (142 pts, 2-0) [3]

6. Team Mayer (150 pts, 1-1) [8]

7. Team Campbell (128 pts, 1-1) [5]

8. Team Farnsworth (147 pts, 0-2) [7]

Phoenix was a good race. But I worried for a bit that it was going to be a huge letdown. It's hard to follow the thrill of Daytona. Nascar puts a trillion eggs in their basket in Florida, then they follow it up by dragging us out into the desert where guys build five second leads and race endless circles around cactus' 312 times. Daytona has so much excitement built into it. It's the kickoff of the season, it's the most storied track in the sport and the racing can be top notch and extremely unpredictable through the very last lap. The week after Daytona always has the potential to be EXTREMELY boring. Fortunately it wasn't. At Phoenix there was intrigue, some terrible driving and some good racing. You can't go to Bristol after Daytona because you can't use up all the good tracks in the first ten races of the season. You have to weather the great tracks with the decent. Phoenix provided plenty of entertainment. I was watching a wall slowly leak water into the basement during a terrible rainstorm so maybe that contributed to the intensity but either way, after two weeks, Nascar has a good season on its hands. And as we head into Week 3 of the Fantasy Nascar Season, the power rankings change, just as the first two weeks of the Sprint Cup Series has.

The temptation to put Team Phelan in first place after Jeff Gordon's victory at Phoenix was tempting but I decided to not be a prick yet and try and keep some semblance of reality involved in the rankings. For now at least. Suck it up, take the serious with the occasional inappropriate joke and enjoy it. You nominated me to write this damn thing so here it is.

Team Hinton sits atop the power rankings with the most points in the league and a 1-1 record. Jimmie Johnson has 4 wins in his past 6 races at Las Vegas. Kyle Busch has 1 win and averages a finish of 11.7 at the track. He's only finished outside the Top 15 once in seven races. And Las Vegas is his hometown. Speaking of Busch, I hope he felt good last weekend when Jeff Gordon bumped and ran him last week to take the Phoenix victory. It was an example of good driving, unlike Kyle displayed to Carl Edwards who will inevitably pay him back. Probably this weekend. Marcos Ambrose qualified second for Vegas by the way. Does Team Hinton start his fourth driver this week?

*This week's PR was written before Scott Hinton e-mailed the league, notifying us that he was starting the Australian Devil and sitting Martin "I am not NEARLY as good as my younger brother is at racing" Truex

Speaking of Carl Edwards, he continues his dominance in Nascar. He probably would have won at Phoenix if his car was able. Instead, he turns his focus to Las Vegas where he qualified 3rd. He won there in 2008. And after qualifying, the Fords are showing they'll be a force at Vegas. Carl Edwards is the number one drive in Nascar right now. Just maybe he'll dump Busch this week and kill Busch at his own track.

*PS, Fords are SUPER shitty cars. My parents owned one and vowed never to buy one again after it began breaking down the first few months we owned it. Fix Or Repair Daily. Will Smith made fun of Fords in Men In Black. Scott Campbell is the only person I've ever met that had a good Ford. And his was purple. Is Nascar the only place Ford seems to get it right?

Team Lawton sits in third place but he'll probably be in last next week. Mark Martin is chilling complacently (and he did win the Nationwide race after Brad Keselowski blew a tire) but Jamie McMurray is struggling and Junior is all over the place. His point totals per week aren't going to hold up all season as team's get more consistent and others bottom out. Week 3 will be a good test for Sir Lawton's team.

Team Phelan is fourth. First place in people's minds, fourth for now. Jeff Gordon made Kyle Busch's wife look like a bitch on top of her pit box last Sunday. She thought her husband was in line for a victory, then Gordon clamped her legs and mouth shut and took his wife and team to Victory Lane instead. Matt Kenseth, who shits in Brian Vickers' dogs mouth, captured the Vegas poll in record time and looks to break his winless streak, which is even longer than Gordon's. Hopefully he'll also continue to perfectly assassinate drivers with his rear tires and fenders, much like Vickers claims he did at Phoenix. Team Phelan. Boom.

Fifth place brings us Team Martino. The Italian team. He is 2-0, the only undefeated team left after just two races. He's good because Denny Hamlin is good. Not Jeff Burton. Jeff Burton is very bad so far this year. Kasey Kahne is in between and could easily become Driver No. 2 for the Italian. Team Martino takes on Team Eric this week, a good test for both. If Team Martino wins and is 3-0, he might want to bolt for Formula 1 while he's hot.

Team Mayer sits in sixth. Kevin Harvick almost had another disaster at Phoenix but finished fourth. His receding hairline finished back in 7th though. Kurt Busch has a good chance at Vegas because he sleeps on the track at night and cuddles with his brother, thus the reason they consider it their "home" track. In reality though, Kurt is pretty bad at Vegas. In 10 races, he's finished Top-10 only twice and has a career average finish of 22nd.

Team Campbell parties in seventh position with Tony Stewart and Joey Logano. Brian Vickers is still un-clotting his blood and brain so he doesn't count as a third driver yet. Stewart had a great run at Phoenix until he decided two tires was a great idea but he can always threaten at Vegas. Vegas is his kind of town. He'll probably party with strippers and homeless people on Friday and Saturday, do some blow, knock a guy through a window with a foot-long chicken hoagie, go to sleep and get up and race on Sunday. And still finish well.

This week's last place spot goes to the honorable Team Farnsworth. He is 0-2 and has 71 points on the season. Breaking up the Three B's has been a disaster for his team and his drivers really suck right now. His best driver is AJ Allmendinger. Which is good for AJ Allmendinger and bad for Team Farns. Greg Biffle sucks right now and sits in 28th place in the standings. But he could maybe win at Vegas. He's never won there before but he has 5 Top-10's in seven races. Regardless, Team Farnsworth needs a lot of help right now. His point totals are just enough to win but also just enough to lose each week. He needs a big week or he should probably phone it all in and drop all of his drivers and quit the league.

PS, this new point system should make for a very interesting season. It will cause great fluctuation each week because drivers HAVE to finish consistently or they bomb out in the points, thus causing teams to have only two drivers to pick up the rest of the scoring. The problem is, if a team gets behind early in the season, making up the points for that segment will be difficult because there's a lot less points to go around this year. Should be fun.

PPS, a few years ago we went to Vegas for a senior trip at Dayton. Remember that a few of you? We met certain Nascar drivers like Michael Waltrip and Dale Jarrett. Remember how obnoxious Michael Waltrip was? He wasn't at all, but looking back upon it, I pretend he was. Know why? That HORRIBLE Aaron's Dream Machine commercial that he and Martin Truex star in. There is nothing in the world that I find worse than watching him shake his huge butt around in that stupid fire suit during raceday Sunday's. Ludicrous.

This Week's Victory Lane Pick is Kyle Busch. Jimmie Johnson is second, Jeff Gordon third, Carl Edwards fourth, Mark Martin fifth (Martin has 10 Top-10's in 13 Vegas races).

Best of luck this weekend gentlemen.

Run From the Baltimore Cops

Ray Lewis is a monster. He literally has ate NFL players for his entire career. His passion for the game of football is unrivaled and his intelligence on the football field will most likely lead to a career on the coaching sidelines once he retires from playing.

In his spare time, he trains police officers to chase down criminals and homeless people to stay in shape. It's one of the many things Lewis does off the field that have rebuilt his reputation since the infamous Atlanta nightclub incident 9 years ago that led to Lewis being charged with murder. Lewis was eventually acquitted of the charges and evidence shakily pointed to no major wrong-doing from Lewis.

Lewis got back on the football field, began playing even more inspired than ever, and started killing (not literally) people better than ever on the football field.

Now Lewis uses some of his time to train Baltimore Police Officers how to chase down drug addicts and tackle killers like they do in 'The Wire'. Lewis has inspired a "it's never over til it's over" feeling among his trainees and an insane mentality that allows his disciples to scare the living shite out of criminals when they realize Ray Lewis Jr. is running after them.

Personally, Ray Lewis as a Baltimore Police Officer would be the only show on the face of this earth that would be more entertaining than Steven Seagal's 'Lawman'. Can we make this happen?

Like him or not, this video is a cool story. Suck ass Baltimore criminals.

Stallworth/Burress

Spooning with a Stranger is coming back. Work is still busy but the world is making me fed up. I'm not gonna sit around and not get pissed about the fucking jail sentences that Plaxico Burress and Donte Stallworth have gotten for their respective retarded episodes...

A) Stallworth parties in Miami at a night club. He then goes driving with a .126 blood alcohol level...holy shit. Florida's legal limit is .08. Stallworth is fucking wasted.

Stallworth drives into a man who is walking across a highway or something and he kills the guy. The guy splatters all over the place and Stallworth shits his pants and says oh my God I just re-created a Pearl Jam Song. Mind you Stallworth "flashed his headlights and honked his horn to warn Reyes". As Stallworth then described it, "We collided."

People collide with walls and other humans. When you walk down the hallway and bump into John from accounting, you COLLIDED. When a car runs over a human being there isn't a collision. It's annihilation.

Stallworth was suspended indefinitely by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell after the crash. He received a...30-DAY JAIL SENTENCE AND REACHED AN UNDISCLOSED FINANCIAL SETTLEMENT WITH REYES' FAMILY. Stallworth gets 2 years of house arrest, eight years of probation and other restrictions.

Under a recent judge ruling, Stallworth now gets to leave his house to work out with a trainer. His house arrest didn't include the fact he gets to leave for community service, charity events, and work (WHICH IS PLAYING FOOTBALL).

Stallworth signed a seven-year, $35 million contract in 2008 with the Cleveland Browns and for now remains on their roster.

B) Plaxico Burress parties in Manhattan. He gets a bit drunk and accidentally shoots himself while he's in the club. Holy shit. He's fucking retarded.

The gun slipped down Burress' trousers and fired, shooting him in the thight and then narrowly missed a security guard standing nearby. The bullet lodged in the floor and was recovered by a bartender.

The gun was not licensed in NY or NJ, where Burress lived and his license to carry a concealed weapon had expired in May 2008.

Burress was with a teammate, Antonio Pierce, who drove him to a hospital, took the gun home then later returned it to Burress.

Apparently the nightclub and the hospital never notified police that Burress had been shot.

The Giants released Burress in April and Burress pleaded guilty to a weapons charge this morning. Burress received a TWO-YEAR PRISON TERM.

HOLY SHIT?!?! TWO YEARS!? For shooting yourself in the leg? Stallworth can get fucking hammered drunk, drive a car, and splatter a human beings organs all over a highway road and get 30 days in jail and Burress gets 2 years?!?

I hate both of these idiots. Stallworth is a typical athlete idiot and Burress is just a fucking retard. Come on though! Burress embarrassed himself enough when he shot himself in the leg in a nightclub. Two years is a ridiculous sentence! Stallworth got his sentence reduced to 30 days and has had all kinds of concessions made. Burress, on good behavior, could get his sentence reduced to 20 months.

I hate to say it but Burress' attorney, Benhamin Brafman, was right when he said, "This was not an intentional criminal act. In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment."

Look, our world is fucked up enough. These two morons are examples of stupid people who do stupid shit and ruin great things that they have going for them. It's unfortunate. People do the exact same things that Stallworth and Burress do all the time. I guarantee you that somewhere in our world today, someone will illegally carry a gun and shoot themselves or something. Someone will drive drunk and injure or kill someone besides themselves. It sucks.

That said, in our world of disappearing common sense, the above doesn't make too much sense to me. A guy kills someone with his car and gets 30 days in jail. A guy shoots himself in the leg and gets 2 years. Seems weird huh?

Here's a recap:

- Fight/Kill Dogs in this country = 2 years in prison
- Shoot yourself in the leg = 2 years in prison
- Drive drunk & kill someone with your car = 30 days in prison
- Get an abortion/kill unborn children = monetary fee


I don't agree with any of it. I love dogs and could never ever ever do what Michael Vick did. I don't own a gun yet but I will and I plan on being a responsible gun owner. I wouldn't bring it to a club. I dont drink and drive anymore. Even two beers impairs your judgement. Public transportation and cabs are the way to go. Plaxico Burress and Donte Stallworth are idiots. They both deserve punishment. They got it and it's SOLELY their faults.

Still doesn't mean our justice system isn't a total fucking sloppy mess.

The Chicago Blackhawks Are in the Western Conference Finals

Holy crap. What a hockey game last night. In Pittsburgh...

In Chicago, holy crap, there aren't even words to describe what's happening there...

As the NHL's signature superstars Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby turn their Washington/Pittsburgh series into a fitting NHL Classic, Chicago welcomed their own superstars onto the national stage.

Former #1 Draft Pick Patrick Kane joined Ovechkin and Crosby as the only players to post a playoff hat-trick in this year's post-season, as the Blackhawks won 3 games in a row to knock the Vancouver Canucks out of the playoffs and advance the Blackhawks to their first Conference Finals since 1995.

Kane has been Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews' sidekick this season, but last night was his coming out party. Helping bring the Hawks back from one-goal deficits twice in the 3rd Period, the young Hawks star couldn't have imagined a better time to get his first career hat-trick. Toews had quite an impressive game as well, scoring two goals and adding an assist.

The young Hawks superstars have Chicago hockey crazy and on the verge of the unthinkable, especially looking back just two years ago.

The Hawks were the most awful franchise in Chicago and often found themselves at the bottom of the lists of sports teams in ALL of sports. Two years later, the Hawks have taken over the city of Chicago and brought the NHL back to the forefront of sports.

Whether or not the Hawks make the Stanley Cup Finals (they will play the winner of Anaheim/Detroit), this playoff run for the Hawks will go a long way towards determining the future of the Hawks franchise. The young players that have progressed through this season and now into the playoffs have a taste of what it takes to not only make it to the playoffs, but how to win in the playoffs.

The funny thing about sports is that you can have one great year and never make it back to the playoffs again. Hopefully, that doesn't happen to these Hawks. They have a phenomenal young core and should only get better. Playoff Hockey is alive in Chicago and this city couldn't be happier.

The Hawks destroyed Canada (f*cking Canadien pricks) and now I say, bring on Detroit! No playoff run is complete without going through the Red Wings. That'd be the only fitting ending.

Other than the Stanley Cup that is.

Megan Fox Mondays

Ok...so it's been awhile. REALLY sorry about that. Life is sometimes busy and until I get paid to do this full-time, it won't always be the first thing I have going on in my life.

That said, this is my release. I get to write really stupid things about mostly stupid people. And mostly stupid things.

I'm pretty sure I never even published my link dump from last Monday. It's sitting saved in my folder waiting to be published. In it, I mentioned the following:

Screw Mark Morrison. He's cool, but not nearly as cool as Megan Fox. She is gorgeous, endlessly attractive. For the time being, she is going to present our Monday link dumps. There isn't a moment that goes by in the day where I wouldn't cut my fingers off and swim with chum covering my body if that meant I could spoon with Megan Fox. Her presenting the Monday link dumps will include, if possible, the most recent smoking hot photo of Megan Fox. This week's is from last week's. It's her on the set of her new movie "Jonah Hex". That's the easiest way to brighten a Monday up.

I talked about the NFL Draft & how Michael Crabtree is going to dominate with Mike Singletary as his head coach. I mentioned Michael Oher being drafted into a wonderful family organization like the Ravens and how he deserves all the best. And I said that Quan Cosby and Bill Cosby's skits were hilarious...but that was last week. Spooning With A Stranger is about the present. Nothing in the past should be changed bc at the time, it seemed like a smart idea.

...So, I bring you, Megan Fox Mondays:

- As mentioned before this, Manny Pacquiao beat the shit out of Ricky Hatton. Back in Decemeber 2007, I cheered for Hatton to take out Floyd Mayweather Jr when they fought. I just couldn't stand Mayweather's attitude. There was something remarkable about his abilities though. I didn't entirely dislike him. Regardless, Mayweather beat down Hatton in the 10th round. Mayweather retired and hasn't really been heard from since. Until recently.

Pacquiao beat Hatton's ass and now comes news that a) Mayweather owes $6 million in backtaxes and b) his ego wants to fight Manny Pacquiao.

It's simple, Pacquiao is the most dominant fighter around and is the pound for pound best fighter in the game. Mayweather lost that claim when he retired and never challenged the sport's "best" fighters (until Hatton). Now Pacquiao has dominated Oscar De La Hoya and Hatton and is the king. Pacquiao has numerous suitors claiming their next but none bigger than the potential Mayweather-Pacquiao match that could happen if Mayweather defeats Juan Manuel Marquez. Boxing scene dives into the potential matchups in a bit more detail. For our purposes here, it's all about Mayweather-Pacquiao.

Mayweather-Pacquiao is the ultimate good guy vs. bad guy fight. Pacquiao is the quiet, humble champ who will fight anyone, anywhere, any weight class. Raised in the impoverished streets of the Phillipines, he is now figuratively the king of an entire country's hopes and dreams. He brings his friends and family into his life and lets them take all the spotlight.

Mayweather on the other hand, is an American-born fighter who grew up in the world of boxing, surviving the tough streets of Grand Rapids Michigan and the various places he bounced around while growing up. Mayweather is estranged from his father, who taught him everything he knows, and lives an outgoing lifestyle full of boisterous claims and all the riches he can possibly afford.

Mayweather talks his shit and pisses people off. He backs it up usually. Pacquiao lets other people talk their shit (mainly his opponents and own trainer) and then just beats the shit out of them.

HBO's award-winning series 24/7 could present an incredibly gripping look at the various personalities of two of boxing's biggest superstars. The potential for a Mayweather-Pacquiao fight is out there and hopefully a few cards will fall into place. It will be an epic battle and an epic promotion leading up to it.

Boxing is often thought of as a dying sport. With these two figures heading down the road to a showdown, they will breathe plenty of life into a once spectacular American pasttime.

- NEW TRAILER ALERT. An updated trailer for "GI Joe" has hit the internet. It looks much better than the Super Bowl teaser spot but it still looks fucking ridiculous. My GI Joe's never had an "accelerator" suit and they couldn't dodge missiles like Transformers. Any dude has to give this movie a chance so we'll see. Looks weird though.

- NEW TRAILER ALERT. Updated "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" trailer. Stephen Speilberg called this movie "awesome" after he saw it and I have high hopes for it. The action looks even more intense and Megan Fox does look hotter than ever on her motorcycle. Definitely better than the GI Joe trailer.

- I haven't mentioned A-Rod since the steroid stuff began. I said my piece on it and nearly went on a serial killer killing spree after that. The talk died down as the season began and as A-Rod gets close to his return, here we go again. Selena Roberts', Sports Illustrated's writer who leaked the whole steroid issue, is back at lobbing allegations against A-Rod. Her "biography", which is by no means an official A-Rod biography since it's interviews with random acquaintences and people, is having its release date pushed up. Roberts claims A-Rod did steroids in high school and college and has done them all his life.

Despite high school and college coaches and teammates defending A-Rod, Jason Whitlock writes an interesting piece on Roberts' past credentials, including her interesting piece on the entire Duke Lacross scandal.

Whitlock, a very influential writer from KC/ESPN, is a guy I've had my beef with a lot in the past. This piece though, examines Roberts' credibility and ESPN's penchant to run with random stories (true or not) as long as they generate notoriety.

For the record, I think Roberts' is an attention-craving bitch. There goes my credibility.

- My roommate Kevin has a really funny looking finger from rugby. It's gnarly but isn't nearly as gnarly as Torry Holt's finger. As "With Leather" suggests, if you've eaten any food in the last few hours, don't watch this clip.

- NEW Spoonless Night Addition: topleftpixel.com

This is an endless amount of awesome photography. Some photos can be rolled over with your mouse and you can see different stages of the photograph/background. Prepare to spend way too much time here if you like photos.

- Last night's "Family Guy" courtesy of Hulu.com. Stewie does steroids and they really hit the nail on the head with this one. This one should entertain you.

Correction Ma'am. Your Son IS a Piece of Shit.

It's been over a week since Los Angeles Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart and two others were killed in a car accident by a man who had a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit at the time of the crash.

That man, Andrew Gallo, has spent his time in the Orange County jail since killing Adenhart, Courtney Stewart, and Henry Pearson, and seriously injuring Jon Wilhite. Gallo's bail was set for $2 million and he is set to be arraigned on June 8th.

Part of me hopes he never makes it to that date and is instead killer in jail or commits suicide and saves us all from wasting more tax money on a dumb trial for a piece of shit human being. Another part of me actually wants him to be alive because he will have to suffer through what will be the most painful process a human being will ever have to endure. He will sit through a trial and continually see the faces of the 3 people he killed, while watching those loved ones' families stare through his eyes with burning feelings of hatred and disgust. It's quite the dilemma.

A new wrinkle in this unfortunate circus is that Gallo's family has finally decided to speak on the whole matter. Gallo's mother, Sandra Sagahon, feels her son has been demonized by the media in the wake of the crash and is really a good person.

Here's a hint Sandra...your son is a piece of fucking shit.

"It was an accident," Sagahon said. "He never meant to hurt anybody, ever."

Sagahon is a mother, seeing her son in jail for a horrible crime. He is charged with three counts of murder, driving under the influence of alcohol and fleeing the scene of an accident. He faces 55 years to life if convicted on all charges. It's understandable that his mother is defending him. That's what mothers do.

Unfortunately, for her, this isn't going to turn out well. Her son's life is well over.

Gallo was born in El Monte, California and lived in Baldwin Park, Calif., before his mother and father divorced when he was 5. According to Gallo's father, Andrew took the divorce especially hard.

Gallo bounced around living with both his mother and father, who both remarried others. According to Gallo's father, Andrew found moving difficult and he took up drinking ot help with him "problems."

Gallo's father didn't allow alcohol in the house so Andrew hung out with his stepbrother Raymond Rivera (another piece of human trash), who according to family members was also an alcoholic. Rivera was with Gallo on the night of the crash as well.

Gallo was first arrested in 2006 on suspicion of DUI. He went to a rehabilitation facility as part of his plea deal but Gallo moved in and out of rehab over the next few years. He was in and out of contstruction jobs and supposedly turned in a job application to Sears the day before the accident.

Gallo and Rivera got drunk at a few different bars the night of the murder, though the specific bar they were at before the accident remains uknown.

On his growing up, Sagahon said of her son, "I didn't think he was out getting into trouble. It's not like he was a bad kid or a gang member."

"I don't want another tragedy like this. I don't wish this upon nobody, not those parents that lost their three little angels. Would someone want to be in my shoes right now? I don't think so and I don't wish it upon anybody," she said.

Family members of the Gallo's have temporarily moved to an undisclosed location based on numerous death threats they've received over the last week. They said their son was talking about getting his life together but that doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore.

Three young people lost their life while another one fights for his in the hospital. Like I said last week when this happened, people are dying everyday, all over the world. It's an unfortunate situation. Nick Adenhart happened to be a professional baseball player, so this is magnified even more.

Andrew Gallo, now sits, day in and day out worrying about his fate. If he didn't have demons before, he sure as hell has them now.

"People think my son is a monster," Gallo's father said. "He's not."

Unfortunately, no one will see it this way. Surprisingly, there's enough common sense left in our world that we can and should vilify this young man who tore so many people's worlds apart. I don't care that he suffered through a divorce, I don't care that he couldn't find steady work. Andrew Gallo was screwed up in the head and he was an alcoholic who shouldn't have been roaming our streets. He hung out with a trash-pile of a stepbrother who only fed his darkest problem.

The more and more the Gallo's talk about their 'good' son, the more and more they risk their lives and their son's life. Andrew Gallo was an idiot. He got really drunk, got behind the wheel of a vehicle, and killed 3 people. No matter how many tears he sheds at the trial, Gallo remains a waste of human life. People like him are somehow born, somehow make it through 22 years of life, and somehow transplant their demonic seed in other people's lives.

Lives are ruined everyday by ridiculous pieces of shit that roam our earth. If all the gang members in the world killed themselves off in their own battles, I'd be more than happy. If all the alcoholic drivers killed themselves by driving off a cliff, I'd be more than happy. If child rapists stepped in front of speeding trains more often, I'd be more than happy.

Sadly, they don't. They hurt others instead. I'm sorry Mrs. Sagahon, your son was the ultimate piece of shit.

Is This Real?

Here's video of Vijay Singh, skipping a golf ball across a lake, and into a hole. Clearly this is fake. If this would have happened, or if Tiger had done it, we would have seen it 39281 times. Sportscenter and their annoying shitty telecasts would have replayed this until our televisions exploded. But, instead, some pretty good golfer, who happens to be dark (like Tiger) and Indian, does it and I've never seen the video before. Except maybe it happened today or yesterday. But that's not the point.

The video is so poorly shot that it is clearly not real. It's done by some dude named Andres Lopez on a funny little cell phone. Andres has much better things to be doing than standing front-row at a practice round for The Masters. The first shot looked like it went in the water too and rolled onto the green. I can't see anything. I hate this video. Nonetheless, next time I go golfing, I'm going to try this.

PS - The Masters is nice, but who really gives a crap. Tiger is going to win. If he doesn't, some weird Australian guy who is 26 and "entering his prime" will be talked about as a potential challenger to Tiger down the road. Then he'll fade off into the distance, win like one more event over the next two years, and be a nobody. Golf is fricking retarded. It's the most frustrating sport EVER.

"Oh, wait...Was She a Great Big Fat Person?"

Buffalo Bill is everywhere. A few buddies of mine @ SWSW started watching "Silence of the Lambs" and Buffalo Bill's famous line turned out to be their favorite phrase during the whole trip. SNL did a great parody at the end of February that included Buffalo Bill's character and Bill Simmons mentioned him today in his mailbag.

The dude's everywhere. I can't stop saying, "Oh, wait, was she a great, big, fat person?"

And he does this dance.

Sorry to get psycho on hump day. I gotta get it out somehow.

Dumping on Tuesday

Saw a Guitar Hero commercial at the bar the other night and couldn't hear it. It looked funny, had Bobby Knight in his underwear, and Metallica. I still can't decide if I like it. Lars from Metallica really does talk like a weirdo.

If you saw the clip of the Blackhawks/Canucks fight yesterday, you saw some awesome sporting carnage. It wasn't an overly bloody or physical set of fights but it was intense. The fact that 16 guys wanted to punch each others face in at the same time also was sweet. Now, we move to rugby fights. I played rugby for a while and I always marveled at how fights never broke out, considering you're encouraged to stomp on another player's face in certain circumstances. The teams sort of have a gentlemen's agreement not to punch each other in the face. Well, when one guy breaks that rule, it usually becomes crazy. Rugby is probably the only sport, other than hockey, where I feel even worse for the refs trying to break up the fight. Enjoy more highlights here.

One more awesome Nike Rugby clip.

I hate LeBron James because I hate Ohio. The fact he can do this though is incredible.

Mike Singletary could care less if your parents got divorced. He's gonna find out if you got over it, are ok with it, or are still acting like a loser because of it. Matthew Stafford apparently hasn't. The dude underachieved at Georgia and might become the Lions QB. He also just added himself to the list of people Singletary wants to spear. Dumb prick.

Here's an idiot. This can only happen in Ohio.

"Cops" is the best show ever. Whenever G4 has 6 hour marathons with "Cops", my TV channel doesn't change. "Inside the NBA" on TNT is also awesome. Here's some fun with the both of them.

Sean Avery still knows how to piss people off. Here's more proof that the NHL is my favorite sport to watch right now. Playoff hockey can't get here soon enough.

In a sport I more or less don't really care about, there's a guy named Lance Stephenson. He's pretty good but also a headcase. Check out his new show on MTV2 from Fader Films. I liked "Two-A-Days" a few years ago; this is obviously a bit different. If anything, watch it to see Stephenson try and fight everyone he ever plays. This kid needs a college coach bad.

Speaking of head coach, Kentucky still doesn't have one as of 3:42pm.

Best music video of the year so far? Where's the unedited version?

Lastly, I saw a picture of his ex-wife earlier today and it jogged my memory. Rony Seikaly was one awesome basketball player.

Would ESPN Fire Bill Simmons?

I love Bill Simmons. He's a great writer, hilarious story-teller, and one of the few guys writing today who I feel always speaks his mind (despite being monitored by the politically correct propaganda machine at ESPN).

Simmons has made no secret of his desire to make fun of his employer. Everyone does it. Leno and Conan make fun of NBC, Letterman rips on CBS, hell, even ESPN makes fun of itself in its own commercials.

Thanks to 'Deadspin' again, I found this nice little Bill Simmons/Adam Carolla podcast. Its uncensored and full of the things Simmons likes to talk about. Buddies, puking, crap, good memories, and making fun of pop culture. It's more uncensored than Simmons ever is allowed to get on ESPN, which begs me to ask, "Would ESPN ever fire Bill Simmons?"

He's always been one of the most popular guys on ESPN. People print his columns to read on the toilet for God's sake. Part of me thinks he's trying to get fired because someone who cares less will pick him up. I sort of would like that to happen. I'd love to see who he'd make fun of if ESPN let him go.

Either way, he's still churning out awesome columns and being entertaining. And who knows if ESPN would ever risk letting him go (God knows a dead person's articles would be better than Rick Reilly's). Just a thought that I've had, along with probably more than a few other people.

Just something to keep an eye on. I'll keep reading no matter what.

Mark Morrison Mondays

Got my coat, blackberry, and keys stolen this weekend. We were hanging out at the bar, I kept checking the table our group had all our stuff on, and then everything was gone. My stuff is replaceable but someone we were with, visiting from Ohio, had her car keys taken with her coat. The car had to get towed to a dealership and a new key programmed.

I spent most of Sunday praying that whoever did it either got hit by a train and dragged 2918 yards to their death or had to watch their dog get repeatedly run over by a UPS truck. I also hoped that that person's family members melted like that crazy Nazi from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.

Anyways, here's my dump of schtuff from the weekend. There's no order to it and probably never will be. Who knows why I find it interesting for you. I just do. Mark Morrison is going to present it each week. Yes, the Mark Morrison of 'Return of the Mack' fame. Why?

Because he's the coolest and so was that song.

- 'Sooty' the guinea pig escapes from jail and has 43 kids. I once had a guinea pig named 'Nibbles'. He nibbled on an electrical wire and died. It was a rough day.

- Drew Barrymore might direct the third movie in the 'Twilight' series. Um. Yea.

- The missing NFL players at sea may have been found. Dead. One was a Raider. No surprise. Pirates are real.

- I agree 'With Leather', who paid for President Obama's courtside seats to the Wiz/Bulls? I mean, every penny we can save counts, right? Whose pennies were those?

- Also, Obama's speechwriter is Jon Favreau? THIS Jon Favreau?!?

- Kanye cut his weird mullet-hawk. And he's hanging out with the black Bridgette Nielsen.

- Jimmy Fallon starts tonight as host of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon'. I'm gonna give it a chance.

- And Megan Fox is still the most beautiful person in the world. Just making sure.

- Return of the Mack.