WTF

Below is my what the f** moment of the last month that made me laugh histerically and cry...

I've seen the trailer for Daybreakers before and I don't remember it. It's about vampires I know that. Apparently vampires drink blood coffee and apparently blood coffee only has 5% blood in it. When Vampire A asks for more blood in his coffee and Vampire Barista says she can't do that, a blood party breaks out. I remember this one time I was in England and I went to a club to experience a foam party and instead a blood party broke out. It was awesome. Then Blade came into the room and shot everybody in the f*cking heart with a garlic bullet.

PS I pray every night to God that Blade makes an appearance in Twighlight Eclipse.

I WANT MORE BLOOD IN MY COFFEE B*TCH

30 Seconds to Mars

30 Seconds to Mars is performing in Chicago on Wednesday, December 16th at the House of Blues as part of Q101's Twisted XMas. Last night they performed on "The Tonight Show" with CONAN.

The sound was phenomenal and their new record "This Is War" is epically kick-ass.

Here's a link to YouTube with their performance of "Kings and Queens". Rock your face off.

Jersey Shore

If you haven't heard of it, you are retarded. Or living where Osama bin Laden is living. Jersey Shore is a controversial new show on MTV that is like The Real World, only with guido's and guidette's. I didn't invent that word. The dumb shitheads on that show did.

Basically, it's a BUNCH of f*cking douchebags that our world would be better off without. Nuke. Filled with pee...right into "the Jersey Shore" where these kids are living. No one would miss em.

Since we can't do that and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't taught me how to make a nuke yet, I watched an episode today. And I was transfixed. Partly because I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen because I felt like I'd never see a group of more retarded people in my life. I was afraid if I stopped watching I'd get smarter and miss something that these dumb fckers did. It was the dumbest 20 minutes of my life / the funniest. I cannot express in proper words, how fcking retarded these people are and how much this show sucks ass / is really awesome.

If you haven't seen an episode, watch them at www.mtv.com or on Thursday nights. Tonight's episode is supposedly the big controversy because it shows one of the girls on the show getting punched in the face. And when I say punched, I mean fkcing labeled hardcore across her stupid fat mouth and face. That said, I don't condone violence against women. Except maybe Nancy Pelosi.

Also, get your super creative Jersey Shore nickname courtesy of Unlikely Words. Mine was Juice Box. There's only like 12 so don't do it too much if you don't like your first one.

As those idiots say in the show, 'Fist Pump' baby.

That's Jersey Shore for ya. Our world is forever fcked now.

Victoria's Secret

I kept reading today that Michael Bay directed a brand-new Victoria's Secret commercial. I thought the commercial happened to just have many Michael Bay-like special effects in it and it wasn't REALLY directed by Michael Bay.

But I was wrong. He directed a Victoria's Secret commercial.

And it's f*cking awesome. Because its Michael Bay. Hate on MBay all you want but the man made the greatest movie of all time when he made Bad Boys with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. That movie is the all-time gangsta pusha of sickness.

Seriously, what's better than Michael Bay and Victoria's Secret models? Nothing, that's what.

News Tidbit

Upon driving into work this morning I was greeted with 3 news stories over the radio. They were seemingly serious stories and the news anchor was quite efficient while he was reading them. Very news-like tones with no room for humor or entertainment. I was in a super serious mode listening intently to the stories until story number 3 was read. See below for the subject of the news stories:

1) Tiger Woods and all of his issues (issues that are continually growing)

2) A story about Barack Obama and the troop increase in Afghanistan

3) A story about cops having to be sent to a suburban Illinois Wal-Mart...because a man stuffed a frozen pizza down his pants.

I love America. Random boring drive turns fun, all because a man tried to stuff a frozen pizza down his pants. Smart.

Golden Stumbles

Firefox has an incredibly neat tool called "Stumble". Simply click "stumble" after downloading it to your internet browser toolbar and Stumble will take you to a site that it thinks you'd like, based off of your previous browsing history. If you look at photography a lot, it'll take you to websites with incredible pictures. If you like sports, it will direct you to sports related websites. If you look at child pornography it will take you to the FBI's website. See? Simple. And cool.

On Fridays, I'm going to post a few links to my favorite stumble sites of the day. I'm quite ecclectic in my tastes so I'm thrown all around the internet in all kinds of fun worlds. Hopefully upon my stumbles, you will trip and enjoy as well.

Proof That Girls Are Evil

911 Calls (mainly Math 911 Call & 911 Operator makes bad joke)

Scott Stulberg Photography

National Geographic Photo Contest

Brooklyn's Finest

Movie Trailer for a movie starring...Richard Gere, Ethan Hawke, Don Cheadle, and......WESLEY SNIPES!!

Can't figure this one out. Looks like "Training Day 2", hell, Ethan Hawke is IN IT! Three good actors, a decently well-known director, and Wesley Snipes!! If you believe Eddie Murphy, Wesley Snipes is even a great actor. Still, can't figure out whether I want to see it or not.

Game

LAST TIME.

Fun Tiger game to play. Outrun his wife or she beats you to death with a golf club.

You know, no one is talking about the irony of the golf club. It could have been a bat. It could have been a nunchuk, but it was a golf club. Do you think there are just THOUSANDS of golf clubs lying around Tiger's house and when his wife got really pissed she simply had to stick her hand three inches to her right to grab one of the clubs from one of the 76 bags lying around the house?

I just find it ironic I guess. But then I'm an idiot so who cares.

Stupid

REALLY REALLY REALLY dumb remix of the Tiger voicemail. It's everywhere so I put it here too because I'm a follower and not a leader and I do everything that other stupid people do because I'm stupid and I can't stop myself because my brain doesn't work. I can't even remember to put period at the end of this sentence

Let me just clarify that this remix of random spoken human words is nothing compared to:

1) Bill O'Reilly F*ck It We'll Do It Live Remix

2) Christian Bale Movie Set Rant Remix

And for fun sake more making fun of Tiger even though it was a joke at the time but is now reality since he really is a pig-headed moron.

OOPS dude

I was hoping I wouldn't have to write about Tiger Woods because everyone in the world has already done that and I don't judge anyone. Ever. I have no opinions about anything other than myself. I care what God thinks about me and thus I don't judge.

But, Tiger, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING?!

You cheated on your wife with a chick named Jaimee Grubbs?

First off, that woman is not attractive. She is a waitress who was on "Tool Academy". Have you ever seen that show? Do you know what that means? It means she got multiple tools in her as well as hung out with a bunch of f*cking losers who will somehow end up on Real World/Road Rules sometime soon.

Tiger, your wife is SO ATTRACTIVE. She is a Swedish supermodel. And you have a kid with her. And she is beautiful. And Swedish. And you decided to cheat on her with this huge slut.

ARE YOU F*CKING MAD DUDE!?!?!?! Tiger Woods, arguably the most recognized sports figure on the face of this earth currently, cheated on his wife with a cocktail waitress. For 31 months according to her fat face...

I have so many thoughts on this but I can't wrap my sand wedge around any of them.

First, Jaimee Grubbs is a big whore for sleeping with a married man. It's not her fault Tiger wanted to cheat but she should have used her moral values that apparently God forgot to give her and said "No Tiger, you dirty freak. You are married." I mean, if Gwen Stefani came to me and said, "I want to cheat on Gavin Rossdale with you", I would say no. Seriously. Probably. Maybe.

Second, Tiger, your face is more popular and recognized than Pope Crazy German. You are the most successful and dominating athlete of our time, you are well-spoken, you make a trillion dollars a year, and you happen to be TIGER F*CKING WOODS. Did you REALLY think that you cheating on your super-hot wife would NOT get discovered? Even if you were cheating on her with Mother Theresa, it would someday come out. The media preys on stupid shit like this and eat you alive if they discover you have Jude Law-like tendencies. Well, congrats you idiot shit. Mission Accomplished.

Third, you LEFT VOICEMAILS!?!? Really? What made you think this slut from "Tool Academy" wasn't going to save them and then come forward one day when she wanted to advance her celebrity to Joe Rogan status? Plus, on your voicemails you sound like a boy going through puberty. Maybe it was because you were all nervous your crazy-hot wife was going to call one of your random girlfriends and threaten to kill her. Good thing you said to Jaimee "You gotta do this for me. Huge, like now." And good thing you identified yourself on the voicemail you moron. Good criminal you would not make.

Fourth, all the women you may have slept with are now going to come out of the woodwork and eat you alive. I'm putting the over/under at 14. 14 chicks you managed to have sexual relationships with over the last few years. I bet NONE of them were as attractive as YOUR WIFE. You shithead. This is going to get worse before it gets better.

This whole thing began as comical craziness and is now developing into pure grossness. You've cheated on your wife, drove your car into a tree, really f*cked up your reputation, and probably pissed off your father, Earl, in the sky. Earl wouldn't have even allowed you to talk to girls if he were still around. You would be practicing golf 21 hours a day and you wouldn't have had time to go screw this one up. But you did. And if Earl were still around, he'd have you chained to a fence practicing golf in sub-zero temperatures as punishimnet for this one.

What started as a tabloid story & car crash, which by the way was hilarious considering the rescue smashing of your back window with a golf club made no sense, has turned into a feeding frenzy and you put yourself at the center of it Tiger. For someone we all thought was so smart and clean and talented, your brain really malfunctioned on this. Your wife had every right to try and smash your face in with your golf club. She must be pretty crazy when she's mad if it caused you to drive like a drunken sailor into a tree and destroy half of your car. Way to go champ.

Your dirty text messages are being exposed and you deserve it for being this stupid. Good thing you made Elin sign a pre-nup since she should leave your ass and take half. Plus, you've made Shaq look stupid for defending you when in fact he should have sumo sat on your face and taken a dump.

I still like you Tiger which is hard to fathom but no one can ever look at you the same. You've screwed up a good thing and I think the only way to make it fair is to let Elin get back at you and cheat with me.

Good luck with the rest of this one Eldrick Woods.

PS - Eldrick is a very stupid-ass name too. Good thing you became someone and then tried to screw it all up.

Lawman

In case your life sucks, don't do anything but watch A&E tonight at 10p/9c. That's when "Lawman" premieres on A&E starring STEVEN SEAGAL. Yes, STEVEN F'ing SEAGAL.

He's a deputy sheriff in some town that no one cares about except for the fact that STEVEN SEAGAL WORKS THERE!!!! Now he's turning his side job/probably current career into a reality TV show and it's going to be awesome. Even if he punches no one. Just seeing Steven Seagal living is more glorious than watching children learn to walk.

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT LAWMAN and what it's like to ove life here.

Endless Fun

I was going through deleting links in my bookmark menu because I have too many and visit too many random sites everyday to possibly keep my life organized and I stumbled upon the website below. Play the videos/music at any time, in any order, in any way...It will be beautiful music to your ears. Enjoy it.

InBFlat.net