SNL Still Sucks

SNL had its 3rd episode of the year this past Saturday and the show still blows huge amounts of awfulness.

I caught none of it because I was doing cool things like watching football, drinking beer, and hanging out with friends. I did happen to look up at a television screen at one point and I saw Drew Barrymore's ugly face on it and realized she was hosting it because of her stupid new movie, "Whip It".

Instead of turning away in disgust, I watched for 3 seconds longer on mute and saw what appeared to be a skit making fun of Guy Fieri from The Food Network. Now, I like "Diners, Dive-Ins, and Drives", Fieri's show. What I can't stand is how douchy Fieri is. He's utterly ridiculous. He's fat, has ridiculous blond highlights, wears armbands, eats like a fat slob, and is loud. I fucking hate him even though he brings me to the occasional awesome food joint.

Now, this SNL skit pretty much blew but it was better than any other skit that night, even though that's not saying much. The fun part of it was how well they made Guy Fieri look like a huge douchebag. SNL realized how easy and fun it is to rip on douches. Good for them...

Enjoy the one highlight of what was an otherwise still totally sucky night of SNL!

Matthew Stafford Still Sucks More Than Jay Cutler

I'm a Bears fan. The Bears now have Jay Cutler as their QB. So I could give a sh*t about the NFL Draft.

I hate Matthew Stafford because he didn't turn out to be as good as he was supposed to be at Georgia, yet he might be the first pick in the NFL Draft anyways. I also hate him because Mike Singletary hates him. Mike Singletary basically called him a weiner because Stafford hasn't gotten over his parents divorce and still cries at night about it.

Anyways, Stafford made an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last evening and threw footballs through plates that Jimmy Fallon was tossing into the air. Stafford does an impressive job and seems like a good sport so I probably shouldn't hate him as much as I do.

That said, he looks like a fat retarded kid from down south so I definitely would be pissed if my team ended up drafting him. I won't have to worry about that. The Bears have Jay Cutler.

Here's the clip from NBC.com.

Jimmy Fallon's Only Highlight

I didn't get to watch the premiere of 'Late Night With Jimmy Fallon'. I missed it because I was too busy watching Jack Bauer blow stuff up.

Apparently there weren't too many highlights. It's understandable though, being the FIRST show. Jimmy Fallon was really nervous and I'm gonna give the whole thing a chance.

The coolest thing about the show, and possibly the coolest thing about late night TV, is that 'The Roots' are Jimmy Fallon's house band. They quit their large-scale touring gig and will concentrate on their gig on 'Late Night'. Everyone was anticipating this move and what they'd possibly do.

Here's an example of the possibilities. It's frickin sweet. There's potential.

(watch quickly. the video probably will be removed.)

Mark Morrison Mondays

Got my coat, blackberry, and keys stolen this weekend. We were hanging out at the bar, I kept checking the table our group had all our stuff on, and then everything was gone. My stuff is replaceable but someone we were with, visiting from Ohio, had her car keys taken with her coat. The car had to get towed to a dealership and a new key programmed.

I spent most of Sunday praying that whoever did it either got hit by a train and dragged 2918 yards to their death or had to watch their dog get repeatedly run over by a UPS truck. I also hoped that that person's family members melted like that crazy Nazi from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.

Anyways, here's my dump of schtuff from the weekend. There's no order to it and probably never will be. Who knows why I find it interesting for you. I just do. Mark Morrison is going to present it each week. Yes, the Mark Morrison of 'Return of the Mack' fame. Why?

Because he's the coolest and so was that song.

- 'Sooty' the guinea pig escapes from jail and has 43 kids. I once had a guinea pig named 'Nibbles'. He nibbled on an electrical wire and died. It was a rough day.

- Drew Barrymore might direct the third movie in the 'Twilight' series. Um. Yea.

- The missing NFL players at sea may have been found. Dead. One was a Raider. No surprise. Pirates are real.

- I agree 'With Leather', who paid for President Obama's courtside seats to the Wiz/Bulls? I mean, every penny we can save counts, right? Whose pennies were those?

- Also, Obama's speechwriter is Jon Favreau? THIS Jon Favreau?!?

- Kanye cut his weird mullet-hawk. And he's hanging out with the black Bridgette Nielsen.

- Jimmy Fallon starts tonight as host of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon'. I'm gonna give it a chance.

- And Megan Fox is still the most beautiful person in the world. Just making sure.

- Return of the Mack.

Late Night With Conan Is Over

Conan O'Brien's last 'Late Night' show is tonight. Show number 2,725. His 16-year run has been more successful than anyone could have imagined and Conan now turns his sights to taking Jay Leno's place as the host of "The Tonight Show". That (mercifully) starts in June.

In the meantime, it's time to reflect on some of Conan's greatest highlights. O'Brien has always been my favorite talk show host. Leno's chin and lisp are odd and he's funny once every 14 shows. Letterman is great with his guests but he's just boring. Carson Daly sucks. Jimmy Kimmel is OK. And the rotating hosts at CBS after Letterman don't really matter.

Conan's always been great with guests, had awesome sketches, and a knack for doing the unexpected. Thank God he'll be taking over 'The Tonight Show'. He's represents the Irish well.

In honor of Conan, here's my Top 8 Conan moments:

(Triumph qualifies in his own separate category...his list will come soon)

8. Conan Kisses Rebecca Romijn Stamos

7. Arnold Meets Arnold

6. Conan Works For UPS

5. Norm MacDonald Make Fun of Carrot Top and is Probably Drunk

4. In The Year 2000: David Duchovny Edition

3. Conan Goes to Finland

2. Conan and Mr. T Go Apple-Picking

1c. Walker Texas Ranger & Mike Huckabee

1b. Walker Texas Ranger Lever Mashup

1a. Walker Told Me I Have Aids

(added bonus video for more Mike Huckabee/Conan fun)

Hope you enjoyed. Despite the kick to the balls that NBC delivered by moving Leno to 9pm, Conan finally moves into late night 'primetime'. People aren't sure he'll succeed but he's smarter and funnier than anyone else out there. Here's to another long run for Conan as the host of 'The Tonight Show'.

Super Bowl Monday!

Well the Super Bowl is over...not a shabby game. Steelers 27 Cardinals 23.

The game had some spotty officiating and some crazy plays (notice the clipping at :12 secs), but things came together nicely. Following last year's Giants/Pats Super Bowl was a tough task but the teams did a good job of providing some entertainment. God knows the commercials weren't anything too exciting. And the halftime show sure was the most intense, weird, over-the-top 12 minutes of awkwardness I've experienced since I last saw Brenda Warner in 2000.

Here's the Super Bowl Recap:

Top 5 Commercials (links coming if not yet available)

1.) Career Builder spot - Punching animals can be a funny commercial in and of itself. Add the repetitive elements of the old asian guy saying "Hey Dummy" and a Koala getting punched like 5 times, it's even better. My favorite spot.

2.) Doritos Crystal Ball - Crotch shots, crystal balls, and Cooler Ranch chips. 'Nuff said.

3.) Conan Bud Light Ad - Conan is the single reason this commercial is funny. And the weird Swedish bondage. They should have used Finland though since Conan had that long-standing skit going about how he looks like Finland's Prime Minister...

4.) Denny's Thugs - I found this commercial funny and I don't know why. The loud sound of whip cream might be a good start. And the fact that Denny's is giving away a free Grand Slam Breakfast to everyone in America from 6am-2pm tomorrow, 2/3. Find your nearest Denny's here!

5.) Taco Bell: Overrated - Taco Bell has good food. No matter how much you regret going to the bathroom 5 hours later, the food is good. This girl is hot and this would be something I'd do in real life. JK. But not really.



Movie Trailers

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Megan Fox is hot.

G.I. Joe (Notice the kickass "Hollywood Undead" music in the background)

Year One -(I have a hard time enjoying this trailer knowing that Michael Cera is the dbag who is holding back the "Arrested Development" big screen movie. He made a few cute little flicks where girls thought he was innocent and sweet and now he's holding back what made him someone in the first place.)

Up - (Another Disney Pixar flick. These movies are always awesome and make me want kids or at least the chance to rent someone's kids so I have a legitimate reason to go to the theater to see these films.)

Angels & Demons -(Awesome book. Really weird ending. And this was before Da Vinci Code. And Tom Hanks' weird hair doesn't work as Robert Langdon.)

The halftime show was quite the adventure as I stated above. Bruce Springsteen and half the late-night NBC/CBS TV cast performed for 12 minutes in one over-the-top set. Aside from the stupid refs throwing penalty flags and The Boss proving he knows more than one term from football, THIS WAS THE HIGHLIGHT of the night.

I'm sure the NFL & NBC thought they had a safe thing going when they got The Boss to perform, but who knew he would go weiner-first, sliding across the stage into a cameraman. Watch his face, it's ridiculous. I'd much rather see Janet Jackson's boob.

The NFL season is over unfortunately. Always a sad time of the year. Hopefully you made some money yesterday. If you bet the over/under on Brenda Warner appearances, sorry they didn't show her more. Miracuously she's become smoking hot. She looked like a more mature, milfy, sexy version of Heidi Montag from "The Hills". Before and after. You can't say she's not hot now. God Bless America.